ARIES: You’ve tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies.
ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
AL-BUKAMAL, SYRIA—Calling it another heinous act designed to shock the conscience, international experts confirmed Thursday that members of the Islamic terrorist group ISIS recently destroyed a Hofner bass guitar signed by music legend Paul McCartney.
ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.
WASHINGTON—Saying that any further endeavors of technical skill and imagination were pointless, experts at the Smithsonian Institution reportedly questioned Monday why new art was still being produced after the pinnacle of aesthetic and creative potential was reached in 1990 with Megadeth’s fourth studio album, Rust In Peace.
ROSWELL, GA—Expressing his desire for a high-caliber talent with the creative vision to do justice to the film’s promotion, local man Jeff Crews told reporters Friday he has a list of dream marketers he’d love to see handle the next Spider-Man movie.
Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:
LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.
NEW YORK—Shocking the literary world once again, acclaimed author Harper Lee announced through her publisher Tuesday the surprise release of her third novel, My Excellent Caretaker Deserves My Entire Fortune.
The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:
HOUSTON—More than three decades after the song was a chart-topping smash and became an instant classic-rock staple, ZZ Top finally revealed to fans Tuesday the meaning behind its iconic hit “Legs.”
San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference
ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.
ARIES: Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky bars.
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.
ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.
WASHINGTON—Expressing their frustration with the casting for the new Fantastic Four film, comic book fans across the country were reportedly adamant Monday that the superhero the Human Torch should be played by an actor who is actually engulfed in flames.
ARIES: You’ve got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you’ve inherited a run-down potato farm.
ARIES: Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.
EW YORK—Saying the series’s latest dramatic turn caught them completely off guard, fans of the HBO series Game Of Thrones reacted with shock to Sunday night’s episode in which some little goblin or something was killed off.
Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.
ARIES: Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying.
LOS ANGELES—Noting that she’s always present for recording sessions and has been increasingly vocal about the group’s musical direction, disgruntled bandmates of Rivers Cuomo privately complained this week that the singer’s wife, Kyoko Ito, is becoming the fifth Weezer.
LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.
ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.
GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—In an effort to accommodate passengers who wish to relax and get some rest during their ride, amusement park operator Six Flags confirmed Friday it had begun to add sleeper cars to all its roller coasters throughout North America.
The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years
Promising that the sequel would continue to follow the impressive feats of an incredible group of revenue streams, executives at Marvel Studios confirmed Friday that Avengers: Age Of Ultron picks up right where the first film’s profits left off.
ARIES: They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed.
SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...
ARIES: Next week will see you at the front of a ragtag band of orphans, but that shouldn't surprise you, as you've been running the world's shabbiest orphanage for years now.
ARIES: This week you'll prove that one man can make a difference when you smear bacon grease all over the stairs and escalators at the malls closest to the retirement home.
LOS ANGELES—In a solemn ceremony held Thursday alongside the infinity pool at his Malibu estate, actor Chris Hemsworth reportedly deputized well-regarded local hunk Troy Richardson to assume all “Sexiest Man Alive” duties in his absence.
ARIES: You're usually pretty good at following instructions, but what you're doing now is not what anyone had in mind when they instructed you to "boogie down."
After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...
ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks."
ARIES: The inexorable power of destiny would render you powerless to stop the fateful events of next week, were anything ever to actually happen to you.
ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday.
Aries: Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just go up to women and start talking to them.
SOMERVILLE, MA—Noting that he only needs to watch 26 full episodes of the political drama, local man Ben Atwell revealed Thursday that catching up on the previous two seasons of the Netflix show House Of Cards should be depressingly manageable.
LOS ANGELES—Revealing that the success of such relationships is far less certain than typically assumed, a report released Wednesday by UCLA’s Department of Sociology found that only 40 percent of celebrities ultimately end up marrying their s...
HOUSTON—Revealing her total ignorance of the 1997 science-fiction classic, local resident Erin Marshall, a corporate consultant who has clearly never seen the film The Fifth Element, reportedly complained Monday about Hollywood’s lack o...
GALVESTON, TX—Saying that the red carpet fashions were too luscious to be consumed in a hurry, 32-year-old marketing manager Gabrielle Lauriston reportedly kept the Vanity Fair “Oscars Best-Dressed” slideshow tab open Monday to be...
LOS ANGELES—Saying they’d be a bit surprised if there wasn’t at least something to nibble on, the 1,500 invitees to the official after-party of the 87th Academy Awards admitted Sunday that they were not sure if the gala event would have ...
HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...
LOS ANGELES—Perched forlornly in the rafters above the merriment of the 87th Annual Academy Awards, the Dolby Theatre Hunchback stared down in longing at the beautiful guests sitting in the hall below, sources confirmed Sunday.
LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...
BOSTON—Making an utter fool of himself in front of company Monday night, local resident and complete fucking moron Tony Penneman actually voiced aloud his opinion that Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov is “the most inventive orchestrator in the history ...
ARIES: You'll find out once and for all who your real friends are when you take the steps necessary to see who does and who doesn't name you in their will.
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Explaining how the timeless clash between the two sides remains among the most elemental forms of storytelling worldwide, a study published Tuesday by researchers at Oxford University has concluded that virtually all modern narrative...
LOS ANGELES—Calling it a great opportunity for viewers to see some lesser-known talent, event organizers confirmed this week that local Los Angeles-area awards show the SoCal Music Honors will open for the Grammys Sunday night.
MODESTO, CA—Saying he is willing to do all the hard work necessary to succeed in the music business, local teenager and aspiring recording artist Morgan Reyes told reporters Sunday that he is in his garage every day crafting a widely marketable pers...
ARIES: Your dealings with the dark powers will be jeopardized when even they are a little freaked out by how eager you are to behead all those chickens.
CINCINNATI—Ensuring he would be exposed to minimal amounts of advertisements and downtime in his entertainment, local man Eric Sackett carefully settled on a backup channel to watch whenever AMC’s airing of the film Gladiator entered a ...
EDINA, MN—Despite thoroughly enjoying the chocolate candy as she watched the film, local woman Jessica Kirby reverently paused from eating Buncha Crunch Thursday during an unsettling scene in American Sniper, sources confirmed.
STOWE, MA—Disappointed after realizing the high-budget biblical epic was no longer playing at his local cinema, area man Will Johnson lamented to reporters Monday that he had totally blown his chance to see Exodus: Gods And Kings in theaters.
ARIES: The Virgin Mary will appear in a dream and tell you to go forth in the world to help the poor and needy, causing you to wake up screaming in a cold sweat.
AKRON, OH—In an effort to arrive at an impartial assessment of this year’s field, area man Kurt Holden told reporters Thursday that he would postpone any judgments on the best actress Oscar nominees until he looked at all five pictures.
CULVER CITY, CA—Explaining that it just came to him in a moment of inspiration, Columbia Pictures executive Andrew Killian told reporters this week that he has an incredible idea for a new film budget.
ARIES: You'll feel a strange mixture of pride and terror when NASA announces it will replace the space shuttle with you in launches starting late next year.
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Having vowed an oath to enforce the government agency’s strict decency standards, a Federal Communications Commission sniper positioned inside the Beverly Hilton Hotel successfully prevented the live broadcast of profanity Su...
SYRACUSE, NY—Noting the considerable likelihood that she was currently deep into the story and enjoying it greatly, reports confirmed Tuesday that area girlfriend Melissa Leavitt, 31, is probably reading some book titled The Midwife’s Promise.
ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.
WASHINGTON— Confirming that most copies have not been played since high school, a report released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center found that 80 percent of British rock band Queen’s Greatest Hits CDs are currently lodged in the cent...
NEW YORK—Reacting with a mixture of surprise and disappointment, fans of the James Bond series voiced concern Thursday after learning that all of the latest installment’s shooting locations would be in New Hampshire.
WASHINGTON—After visiting their parents over the long Thanksgiving weekend, millions of holiday travelers reportedly returned to their daily lives Monday having completely caught up on the CBS procedural crime drama The Mentalist.
PRINCETON, NJ—Confirming that a majority of the country is ready for when the time comes, a study released Tuesday by researchers at Princeton University found that 81 percent of Americans know exactly which YouTube clip they’ll post on social...
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
GOLDEN, CO—Saying he couldn’t even begin to consider options before him without performing the gesture, friends of local man Aaron Givens told reporters Thursday that he is entirely incapable of making any plans without excitedly rubbing his palms together.
MEDFORD, OR—Recoiling at the sight of the two coworkers waiting for them in the lobby, employees from local company Core Analysts stated Monday that their invitation to head out and grab lunch had somehow trickled down to the office weirdos.
