Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 17

60 Teens Arrested In Senior Class Prank

More than 60 students from Teaneck High School in New Jersey were arrested this week after they taped hot dogs to lockers and urinated all over the floors as part of a senior class prank.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings

AKRON, OH—Apologizing to customers for “any discomfort or searing of the flesh” on their ring fingers, Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands sold at its 900 locations nationwide over the past several years. “We announce with great regret that a considerable portion of our inventory, mostly from the Leo Diamond and Neil Lane Bridal lines, became cursed by an ancient evil either within the mine or at some point during the casting process,” company executive Judith Stelling said, responding to widespread reports of agonizing night terrors and chronic infertility among Kay patrons. “If any wearer of Kay products has experienced partial or total blindness, nausea, intense rage upon entering a church, or has suffered a string of unexplained family tragedies, you may return the defective item to any Kay-affiliated retailer to be destroyed by a qualified priest.” Stelling added that anyone who returns a cursed ring would receive full store credit and a complimentary silver pendant from Jane Seymour’s Open Hearts collection.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More