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Kidnappers' Demands Only Make Sense Given Economy

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Kidnappers' Demands Only Make Sense Given Economy

NEW YORK—Detectives from the New York Police Department confirmed that a list of demands received Wednesday from the abductors of 14-year-old Julia Weatherford, the daughter of multimillionaire financier Austin Weatherford, only make sense given the state of the nation’s economy. “The kidnappers promise to release Julia in exchange for $6,000 to pay for a few months’ rent and groceries, as well as a monthly subway pass and a warm parka for a 10-year-old boy, which considering the state of things, isn’t entirely unreasonable,” investigator Mike Brumm told reporters. “In a booming economy, sure, we’re used to hostage-takers asking for bearer bonds and helicopters. But these individuals said they’d be happy if we just gave them the name of a good, affordable mechanic and any toys our kids don’t play with anymore.” The Weatherford family confirmed their intention to comply with the ultimatum, adding that they’d probably toss in a $100 Outback Steakhouse gift card so the perpetrators “can have a nice night out.”

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