Kidnappers' Demands Only Make Sense Given Economy

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Fuck Everything, Nation Reports

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Kidnappers' Demands Only Make Sense Given Economy

NEW YORK—Detectives from the New York Police Department confirmed that a list of demands received Wednesday from the abductors of 14-year-old Julia Weatherford, the daughter of multimillionaire financier Austin Weatherford, only make sense given the state of the nation’s economy. “The kidnappers promise to release Julia in exchange for $6,000 to pay for a few months’ rent and groceries, as well as a monthly subway pass and a warm parka for a 10-year-old boy, which considering the state of things, isn’t entirely unreasonable,” investigator Mike Brumm told reporters. “In a booming economy, sure, we’re used to hostage-takers asking for bearer bonds and helicopters. But these individuals said they’d be happy if we just gave them the name of a good, affordable mechanic and any toys our kids don’t play with anymore.” The Weatherford family confirmed their intention to comply with the ultimatum, adding that they’d probably toss in a $100 Outback Steakhouse gift card so the perpetrators “can have a nice night out.”

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