Kim Jong Il Ends Nuclear Program For Lead In Next 'Batman'

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

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RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.
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Kim Jong Il Ends Nuclear Program For Lead In Next 'Batman'

In tense negotiations, the U.S. State Department agreed to grant the North Korean leader the role of Gotham's Dark Knight Detective. The Onion News Network is coming to IFC on January 21 at 10pm.