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Laid-Off Man Finally Achieves Perfect Work-Life Balance

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Laid-Off Man Finally Achieves Perfect Work-Life Balance

IRVINE, CA—Just two weeks after being laid off from the tech firm where he worked as a coder, 34-year-old Sam Morrison told sources Monday that he had finally achieved the perfect work-life balance. “It’s been great; this new schedule allows me to spend more time with my wife and kids, get together with friends, and I can even squeeze in a few hours of TV here and there—I’ve finally found the mix of career and personal life that works for me,” explained the stress-free man, who credited the shift to helping him get on a regular sleep cycle and workout regimen for the first time in years. “Lately I’m feeling less overwhelmed, I’m more upbeat, and I’m finally writing again. It’s really all about having good time management.” As of press time, Morrison was doing yoga in his backyard as his mortgage payment became overdue.

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