Laid-Off Man Finally Achieves Perfect Work-Life Balance

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Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Alcohol-Themed Party A Success

OMAHA, NE—Claiming that his expectations for the unique social gathering had been met and even surpassed, local man Ryan Sandstrom, 25, told reporters Friday that his recent alcohol-themed party turned out to be a rousing success.

Man Always Taking Good Mood Out On Friends

NORFOLK, VA—Saying how difficult it is to be around him when he’s unable to get a handle on his emotions, frustrated friends of local man James Melrose complained Tuesday that the 26-year-old is constantly taking his good mood out on them.

Man Has No Idea What To Do With Good Mood

FRANKLIN, WI—Weighing various options for how to proceed given the unexpectedness of the situation, local 33-year-old Trevor Clifford was reportedly at a complete loss as to what he should do Monday after suddenly finding himself in a good mood.

Obama Not Ruling Out U.S. Military Action In Congress

WASHINGTON—Following years of continued fighting and disorder in the troubled region, President Barack Obama revealed today that he has not ruled out taking immediate and decisive military action in the United States Congress. Admitting that diploma...

Facebook Version Of Marriage Going Great

SAN JOSE, CA—Citing the numerous photos and status updates that the couple regularly post online, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Facebook version of Annie and Colin Wheeler’s eight-year marriage is going extremely well. Several of the Wh...

250-Pound Man Sadly In Best Shape Of His Life

ORLANDO, FL—Stating that he has shed nearly 10 percent of his body weight this year and is now down to 250 pounds, local 36-year-old Michael Peters sadly revealed Monday that he is in the best shape of his life.

Milkshake Almost Ruined By Breakup

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Local woman Janice Garnecki's blueberry milkshake was nearly ruined Tuesday when boyfriend Timothy Stover announced he was ending their relationship. "Six months together, and now he says he wants to see other people," a distraught Garnecki said immediately after the breakup, but before taking a long sip of her mouth-watering shake. "How could he do this to me? Doesn't he care? This is made with premium ice cream, isn't it?" Garnecki said she plans to spend the day crying on her best friend's shoulder and licking her fingers.
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Laid-Off Man Finally Achieves Perfect Work-Life Balance

IRVINE, CA—Just two weeks after being laid off from the tech firm where he worked as a coder, 34-year-old Sam Morrison told sources Monday that he had finally achieved the perfect work-life balance. “It’s been great; this new schedule allows me to spend more time with my wife and kids, get together with friends, and I can even squeeze in a few hours of TV here and there—I’ve finally found the mix of career and personal life that works for me,” explained the stress-free man, who credited the shift to helping him get on a regular sleep cycle and workout regimen for the first time in years. “Lately I’m feeling less overwhelmed, I’m more upbeat, and I’m finally writing again. It’s really all about having good time management.” As of press time, Morrison was doing yoga in his backyard as his mortgage payment became overdue.

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