Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores

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Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
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  • Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

    ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores

NEW YORK—Offering one-click companionship for singles who have exhausted all other options, new last-ditch dating website, which launched earlier this week, pairs users with a partner based solely on whether they have open sores anywhere on their body, company sources confirmed. “Just open an account, answer ‘yes’ if you have any exposed skin lesions or ‘no’ if you do not, and within seconds a name will appear on your screen as our algorithm delivers a perfect match based on your profile—it’s that easy,” said LastShot cofounder Ritchie Abramson, identifying the site’s target audience as those who have grown tired of the bar scene or other dating websites and who may or may not be covered in suppurating abscesses. “With our site, there’s no long, intrusive questionnaire process, no photos—the only thing that separates you from your potential soulmate is one simple question about any wounds or tissue infections you might have. Why not give it a shot? At this point, what do you have left to lose?” LastShot has already drawn complaints from subscribers, however, as a survey found that the majority of users tend to lie about their personal details.