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Law Prohibits Nation's Shawnas From Using Tanning Beds

The Health and Human Services says that the country's Shawnas are "tan enough."

00:00:01.560,00:00:06.820 Male Speaker: This is the Onion News Network, Report first, Ask questions later. 00:00:07.690,00:00:10.270 Brooke: We go now to a special public health bulletin from our own Tucker Hope. 00:00:10.500,00:00:12.270 Tucker, let's try to keep this under two minutes, shall we? 00:00:12.570,00:00:14.810 Tucker Hope: Of course, Brooke. Well, you've probably already seen 00:00:15.120,00:00:17.060 the signs around your local strip mall. 00:00:17.160,00:00:20.460 The Department of Health and Human Services has issued a new ban 00:00:20.660,00:00:25.940 preventing the nation's Shawnas from any further use of tanning salons. 00:00:26.310,00:00:29.780 The ruling was made after a study found that Shawna's are exposed to roughly 00:00:29.880,00:00:34.740 5,000 times more UV radiation each year than the average American. 00:00:35.130,00:00:38.120 Elizabeth Swope: They are at a very high risk of developing melanoma 00:00:38.320,00:00:43.250 and orangey leathery skin. Shawnas, you are tan enough. 00:00:44.840,00:00:47.990 Tucker Hope: The nation's Shawnas have reacted negatively to the ban. 00:00:48.350,00:00:49.490 Shawna D: I don't care what the government says. 00:00:49.690,00:00:53.600 I just won 15 bucks in scratches so I'm getting a frickin' tan. 00:00:53.870,00:00:54.670 This sucks! 00:00:54.940,00:00:56.080 Shawna A: None of us have time for this shit. 00:00:56.240,00:00:57.340 We've got Tammys at home raise. 00:00:57.810,00:01:01.120 Tucker Hope: In an Onion News Network poll of Shawnas across the country, 00:01:01.460,00:01:05.070 more than 30 percent argued that a pale complexion will negatively affect 00:01:05.200,00:01:08.710 the size of their tips at Ruby Tuesdays, and more than half have said 00:01:08.880,00:01:11.890 that their boyfriends Dennis like them tan and he is the father 00:01:12.060,00:01:14.330 of their second child so they want him to stick around. 00:01:14.700,00:01:17.650 And Brooke, let me just say that I have seen some of these Shawnas first hand 00:01:17.810,00:01:21.820 and none of them have anything on your natural, in no way surgically altered beauty. 00:01:22.120,00:01:23.020 Brooke: Thank you, Tucker.
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What do you think the new American Dream should be?

Congress debated a number of new American Dreams before choosing a motorcyle-based dream. Which do you think they should have picked?

  • To own a tricked out motorcycle
  • To star in a viral video
  • To have your own skin care line
  • To be the fattest person on the bus

or view results

Anchor Bios

  • Brooke Alvarez

    As the host of FactZone, Brooke Alvarez is one of the world's most recognizable news figures. Growing up in Russia, Brooke dreamed of being famous and powerful. She emigrated to U.S., erased all trace of her Russian accent within three weeks, and began her systematic ascent to the top of the news industry. The details of this rapid climb through the various lesser networks to end up at the Onion News Network was the subject of "The Devil Incarnate" a book refuted by Brooke as "the pathetic scrawlings of a bitter and jealous acne-scarred half-reporter."


    A prolific Twitter user, Brooke tweets 20 to 40 times a day, often while her guests are talking. She's appeared as herself in more than a dozen motion pictures although there is some debate whether she understood that the words on her teleprompter were fictional and where they would eventually appear. Brooke owns five corgi dogs, her favorite food is kale, and she is married to author Thomas Pynchon.


    Brooke is active in charity work, having formed a foundation to teach newscaster dialect to young urban teens. She's politically motivated as well, publicly campaigning against wind farms whenever her schedule allows.


    While the media has made much of her long-standing feuds with both Wolf Blitzer and Yo Yo Ma, Brooke insists she is easy to get along with as long as everyone understands their place.


    Brooke stays healthy and happy by swimming 20 miles each day in the resistance pool in her office.

  • Jim Haggerty

    As co-host of the Onion News Network’s top-rated morning show, Today Now!, Jim Haggerty is no stranger to adventure. On the show, Haggerty has entered NASA simulators, sky-dived into the Grand Canyon, and chewed coca leaves with a group of Peruvian folk musicians who had appeared on the show. Haggerty’s busy schedule doesn’t stop him from pursuing side ventures. He has his own line of men’s fashions, is the spokesman for the EZ Car Vacuum Kit and authored "The Gentleman's Guide To Backyard Grilling." Haggerty studied Psychology at Arizona State University and spent his summers working at a local Renaissance Fair. After college, he moved to New York City and enrolled in a night-school program in broadcasting. His first big break was hosting the Onion Broadcasting Channel talent competition, "Dance, Dance, America, Dance."

  • Shelby Cross

    Former prosecutor Shelby Cross takes no prisoners in her quest for justice. Whether she's berating a grieving mother for allowing her infant son to get murdered or advising viewers on how to make themselves unappealing to date rapists, Shelby Cross has your back.

  • Tracy Gill

    As the co-host of the highest-rated morning show on the Onion News Network, Tracy Gill has interviewed thousands of celebrities, public figures, and newsworthy widows. Listed as one of Forbes’ Fiftysomething Most Powerful Women In Television, Gill founded the charity "Umbrellas Of Love" which seeks to spread the word about the dangers of flying debris through ad campaigns and educational programs. (Gill's own childhood friend was killed by an errant piece of plywood while waterskiing.) In order to meet the demanding schedule for Today Now!, Tracy generally only sleeps three hours a day, rising at 2 a.m. to begin the drive to the Onion News Network studios. Gill is the subject of an in-depth biography, “Over the Flames an Eagle Soared: The Tracy Gill Story,” which addressed media claims she is a cutthroat opportunist. In defense of Gill, the author likens Gill to an eagle -- a beautiful and respected figure, but one that must protect itself to survive. Gill is currently married to wealthy television mogul Bob Johanson.

  • Tucker Hope

    Co-hosting FactZone is a dream come true for Tucker Hope. Not only does it give Tucker the chance to work side-by-side with the most respected name and most beautiful face in news, it provides the opportunity to use the touchscreen manipulation skills he has been honing since junior high on a touchscreen set up in his family's living room. In fact, Tucker was home-schooled to allow him to focus on perfecting his pinching and zooming and practicing his pronunciation of "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." In order to be at the ready or perhaps to keep an eye over his touchscreen, Tucker never leaves the studio, sleeping on a cot he set up behind his Recon Wall. Due to a contract stipulation created by Brooke, Tucker doesn't get paid by the Onion News Network but receives whatever the gracious FactZone host herself feels like he earned that week.