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    Live From Congress: Representative Wants To See, Meet More Kids Online

    2:08
    Rep. Gelinas proposes an educational bill to increase the number of young people he meets in under-13 chat rooms.
    Recent News
    O-SPAN
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    • Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

      1:18
      Calling it the most effective method for reaching one’s full earning potential, a report issued Thursday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that violently slamming one’s supervisor against a wall and shouting, “Cash!
    • Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

      1:03

      In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats. Full article.

    • ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

      1:10

      The infallible Creator of the universe sits down for an intimate eye-opening interview.

    • Congressman Embroiled In Sexting Scandal Explains: 'I Wanted That Girl To See My Penis'

      2:11

      David Connors sits down for an exclusive interview with Congressman Bart Handford, who is finally opening up about the nude photo scandal that has threatened his career.

    • Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend

      1:28

      The sandwich chain says it is 'deeply sorry' if customers mistakenly believed that eating an entire foot of food could somehow be considered healthy.

    • Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

      1:49

      Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

    • CEO Says Office Shooting Could Not Have Come At A Worse Time For Company

      2:07

      A tragic scene in Virginia as a gunman opened fire at the offices of SlashForward Marketing. Managers described the timing of the shooting as “incredibly inopportune” as the company is already struggling to meet its Q3 sales goals.

    • Housefly Drops Everything To Go Stand On Watermelon Slice

      2:25

      An unpopular police officer thinks about committing a racially motivated offense for a little support, a middle-aged man is having the best snacks of his life, and a housefly drops everything to go stand on a watermelon slice.

    • Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time

      1:11

      In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time. Full article.

    • Owner's Box: Screws, Splintered Bones, Mangled Joints That Make Up Rob Gronkowski Poised For Huge Fantasy Year

      1:18

      OSN’s fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, says owners should take a risk on the bolted-together collection of screws and tendons.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Dirty Dancing'

      3:51

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Dirty Dancing' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup

      1:40

      Touting it as their most stylish and advanced beauty product to date, officials from global cosmetics brand Maybelline unveiled Thursday the Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask, a flexible facial covering that can be worn over the head in lieu of makeup. Full article.

    • New Kindle Helps Readers Show Off By Shouting Title Of Book Loudly And Repeatedly

      2:03

      Amazon says the Kindle Flare’s repetitive shouting will appeal to fans of print, who miss the ability to display a book’s cover to strangers.

    • Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

      1:44

      According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.

    • Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals

      2:02

      The super-producer was at Comic-Con this week to show off new clips of the pulse-pounding, penis-heavy Turtle action.

    • Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

      1:44

      According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.

    • The Onion Reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes'

      3:20

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Beard Husks On Sidewalk Indicate Start Of Hipster Molting Season

      1:33

      If you hear the telltale crunch of a hipster’s discarded beard under your feet, don’t worry: experts say the hirsute young men are just making room to grow even larger, more ironic beards.

    • Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores

      2:02

       Offering one-click companionship for singles who have exhausted all other options, new last-ditch dating website LastShot.com, which launched earlier this week, pairs users with a partner based solely on whether they have open sores anywhere ... Full article.

    • Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts

      1:18

      According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts were once again a breeze for the nation’s Blakes. Full article.

    • More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks

      2:26

      Wellness experts say curling up in a ball on the floor is the healthiest way to deal with the non-stop agony of the workday.

    • New Facebook Feature Scans Profile To Pinpoint Exactly When Things Went Wrong

      2:37

      The new LifePoint function distills each user's mistakes into one easy-to-find moment when their lives irrevocably took a turn for the worse.

    • Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine

      1:58

      Seeking a more humane method of carrying out capital punishment, Ohio’s new machine yanks inmates heads from their bodies using painless, powerful robotic claws.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Saving Private Ryan'

      3:32

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Saving Private Ryan' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Survey: Most Common Deathbed Regret Never Spraying Fire Extinguisher

      1:57

      According to a survey of hospice patients released Thursday by the Princeton Medical Institute, the most common regret of the dying is never having sprayed a fire extinguisher. Full article.

    • The Onion's Tips For Finding An Apartment

      1:00

      Finding an apartment that fits your style and budget can be an overwhelming process. Here are The Onion's tips for finding an apartment.

    • Should Obama Blow The Silver Horn The Founding Fathers Left In Case The Country Ever Needed Them?

      2:37
      The Founding Fathers promised to return upon hearing the enchanted horn, but warned it should only be used in times of dire need.
    • O-SPAN Classic: CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica

      1:57

      In this O-SPAN clip from 1963, the CIA explains that the accidental overthrow was due to "a little miscommunication" while overthrowing some nearby Central American countries.

    • Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses To Hide Foul Penises

      2:11

      In June 1924 Representative Oliver Shaker (D) condemned government inaction on the issue of publicly exposed horse penis and proposed a law which would federallyr equire horses to wear modesty dresses.

    • Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night

      2:03

      The bipartisan group of representatives who submitted the emergency bill late last night say they stand by it, though they don't completely remember all of the details.

    • Live Feed: Obama Attends The White House Maintenance Staff Annual Dinner

      2:39

      Live O-SPAN coverage of the 75th annual dinner with a special awards presentation to the crew who tirelessly buffed every inch of the White House State Floor this past winter.

    • DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's Room

      1:56

      DEA Official Stephen Lovejoy says Matt Lovejoy was found in possession of 1/8th ounce of marijuana and a glass pipe in defiance of the law and his Mother.

    • Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting

      2:14
      Rep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series.
    • NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018

      2:27

      The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018.

    • Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On First Lady Last Night

      1:38

      Rep. Bruce Durant proposes a bill protecting anyone who who may have had a little too much to drink at a White House event and called Michelle Obama a "beautiful queen."

    • Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

      1:36

      Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.

    • BREAKING NEWS: BAT LOOSE IN CONGRESS

      3:04

      Congress is deadlocked on the best way to get a bat out of their committee chamber.

    • Congresswoman Says Botched Plastic Surgery Most Important Issue Facing U.S.

      1:51
      Rep. Lynn Merriweather says bill will protect the millions of Americans who just want to appear as young as they feel on the inside, that's all.
    • Congressman Demands To Know Who Left Fish Sandwich To Rot On House Floor

      2:46

      Rep. McCullough cannot even fathom the amount of contempt you'd have to hold for Congress, the American people to do something so inconsiderate.

    • Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing

      2:12

      Congressman Eisley conducts hearing on Market Data Protection Reform, restrains self from murdering five year old son.

    • Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All U.S. Dollars

      1:42

      Treasury Officials say the dye used in printed money is extremely toxic and urge Americans to send all their cash to Washington immediately.

    • Congressman’s War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill Passed

      2:09

      Rep. David Whittle (D-VA) speaks passionately about how his son, who died in Iraq, would have loved to see this appropriations bill passed.

    • Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair

      2:17
      Rep. Gregory White (D-NH) tearfully asks forgiveness for the degrading and sinful acts he is about to engage in.
    • Congress Debates Adding Elaborate Dance To Obama's Inauguration Ceremony

      2:21
      Rep. Cummings (D-VA) wants to mark Obama’s historic inauguration with an intricately choreographed dance piece of his own creation.
    • President To Face Down Monster Attack, Own Demons In Action-Packed Schedule

      2:37

      The press secretary tells reporters that before the president can defeat the monster, he'll have to defeat his greatest enemy of all: his own doubts.

    • USDA Official Takes Courageous Stand Against Interstate Countercyclical Potato Pricing

      2:55

      A deputy assistant at the Department of Agriculture speaks truth to power, condemning proposed changes in Idaho's potato output pricing structure.

    • Press Secretary's 'Zumtrel Flooby' Answer May Be Attempt To Evade Question

      2:15

      The press secretary explained the president's economic policy by talking about something called a 'grapewood straab.'

    Owner's Box

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    Owner's Box: Bearded Robert Griffin III Spotted Living In Houseboat On Chesapeake Bay

    0:57

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    Onion Film Standard

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    The Onion Reviews 'Interstellar'

    3:42

    The Onion Looks Back At 'Texas Chain Saw Massacre'

    3:33

    The Onion Reviews 'Gone Girl'

    3:25

    ONN Exclusive

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    ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter

    3:01

    ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

    1:10

    ONN Exclusive: Pop Star Janna Hayspice Confronts The Rumors That She Is Really Just A Writhing, Sentient Mass Of Voles

    1:55

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    • Newswire: UPDATED: Serial's Jay wants to talk, gives new interview about Hae Min Lee's death

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