Man Didn't Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Man Didn't Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling

BRACKNEY, PA—Expressing both joy and astonishment, 55-year-old accountant Jacob Reynolds confirmed Wednesday that a recent rendezvous with a prostitute had left him completely and utterly satisfied on an emotional level. “I had no idea it would be such a deeply moving and fulfilling experience on every level,” said Reynolds, explaining he had assumed paying $150 for 30 minutes of anonymous intercourse with an exhausted and apathetic middle-aged woman would ultimately leave him feeling hollow inside, but instead his self-esteem was “through the roof.” “When I walked into that motel room, I wasn’t expecting to feel such a strong spiritual connection to another person, but I think we really shared a moment there. That was exactly what I needed. The world feels so much bigger and brighter now.” Reynolds later confirmed his blissful feeling of well-being only increased when he returned home, looked deep into the eyes of his wife of 30 years, and lied to her about where he had been.

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