adBlockCheck

Man Didn't Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Man Didn't Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling

BRACKNEY, PA—Expressing both joy and astonishment, 55-year-old accountant Jacob Reynolds confirmed Wednesday that a recent rendezvous with a prostitute had left him completely and utterly satisfied on an emotional level. “I had no idea it would be such a deeply moving and fulfilling experience on every level,” said Reynolds, explaining he had assumed paying $150 for 30 minutes of anonymous intercourse with an exhausted and apathetic middle-aged woman would ultimately leave him feeling hollow inside, but instead his self-esteem was “through the roof.” “When I walked into that motel room, I wasn’t expecting to feel such a strong spiritual connection to another person, but I think we really shared a moment there. That was exactly what I needed. The world feels so much bigger and brighter now.” Reynolds later confirmed his blissful feeling of well-being only increased when he returned home, looked deep into the eyes of his wife of 30 years, and lied to her about where he had been.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close