adBlockCheck

Man Didn't Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man Didn't Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling

BRACKNEY, PA—Expressing both joy and astonishment, 55-year-old accountant Jacob Reynolds confirmed Wednesday that a recent rendezvous with a prostitute had left him completely and utterly satisfied on an emotional level. “I had no idea it would be such a deeply moving and fulfilling experience on every level,” said Reynolds, explaining he had assumed paying $150 for 30 minutes of anonymous intercourse with an exhausted and apathetic middle-aged woman would ultimately leave him feeling hollow inside, but instead his self-esteem was “through the roof.” “When I walked into that motel room, I wasn’t expecting to feel such a strong spiritual connection to another person, but I think we really shared a moment there. That was exactly what I needed. The world feels so much bigger and brighter now.” Reynolds later confirmed his blissful feeling of well-being only increased when he returned home, looked deep into the eyes of his wife of 30 years, and lied to her about where he had been.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close