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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

BROOKLYN, NY—With a history of tossing and turning, waking himself up with his own snoring, experiencing sleep interruptions every half hour, and general restlessness, Corey White, 31, admitted Monday that he was not even competent enough to lie in a state of suspended consciousness on a nightly basis. "Why is my arm underneath me? Why is my neck always sore in the morning? I have no idea. And this can't be a normal amount of drool," said White, adding that his dentist had threatened to give him a special mouthpiece just so he could stop grinding his teeth in his sleep. "And the snoring? Jesus, I can't even breathe correctly." Unfortunately, no sources could corroborate White's lack of skill at sleeping, as he invariably goes to bed completely and utterly alone.

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