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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

BROOKLYN, NY—With a history of tossing and turning, waking himself up with his own snoring, experiencing sleep interruptions every half hour, and general restlessness, Corey White, 31, admitted Monday that he was not even competent enough to lie in a state of suspended consciousness on a nightly basis. "Why is my arm underneath me? Why is my neck always sore in the morning? I have no idea. And this can't be a normal amount of drool," said White, adding that his dentist had threatened to give him a special mouthpiece just so he could stop grinding his teeth in his sleep. "And the snoring? Jesus, I can't even breathe correctly." Unfortunately, no sources could corroborate White's lack of skill at sleeping, as he invariably goes to bed completely and utterly alone.

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