Man Has Such Good Friends They'll Let Him Drink Himself To Death Right Before Their Eyes

In This Section

Vol 48 Issue 50

Fuck Everything, Nation Reports

WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything...

McDonald's Prints Calorie Count Right Onto Meat

A rare pornographic movie is shot at the Vatican for the first time since 1982's 'Pope Fisters IV,' Taylor Swift is apparently now dating 'Garfield' creator Jim Davis, and Mumford and Sons can't believe they all got each other mandolins for Christmas.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Internet

Partying

Man Has Such Good Friends They'll Let Him Drink Himself To Death Right Before Their Eyes

FAIRBORN, OH—Local resident and full-blown alcoholic Ken Mathiessen has such caring and loyal friends that they are willing to stand by in silence as the 32-year-old drinks himself to death right in front of them, sources confirmed Friday. “I’ve got the greatest buddies anyone could ask for,” said the pale and increasingly sallow Mathiessen, who can always count on his close-knit circle of friends to keep quiet, look the other way, or outright enable his most self-destructive of impulses. “If it weren’t for Patrick, or Gary, or even Michael, I don’t know where I’d be today. Probably not at Mad Hatters every night, that’s for sure.” According to reports, Mathiessen’s steadfast companions will continue to be there for him, whether at a nearby bar, around his hospital bed in June, or at his agonizing funeral service later this year.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More