adBlockCheck

Man Has Such Good Friends They'll Let Him Drink Himself To Death Right Before Their Eyes

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man Has Such Good Friends They'll Let Him Drink Himself To Death Right Before Their Eyes

FAIRBORN, OH—Local resident and full-blown alcoholic Ken Mathiessen has such caring and loyal friends that they are willing to stand by in silence as the 32-year-old drinks himself to death right in front of them, sources confirmed Friday. “I’ve got the greatest buddies anyone could ask for,” said the pale and increasingly sallow Mathiessen, who can always count on his close-knit circle of friends to keep quiet, look the other way, or outright enable his most self-destructive of impulses. “If it weren’t for Patrick, or Gary, or even Michael, I don’t know where I’d be today. Probably not at Mad Hatters every night, that’s for sure.” According to reports, Mathiessen’s steadfast companions will continue to be there for him, whether at a nearby bar, around his hospital bed in June, or at his agonizing funeral service later this year.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close