Man Moving To New City Never Took Time To Truly Loathe Surroundings

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Vol 50 Issue 05

Fun Sticker Placed On Child's Ventilator

Fifty-seven women are stoned to death during the annual Riyadh fashion week, a frantic Biden searches a dog shelter for a Bo look-alike, and a fun sticker is placed on a child’s ventilator.

Report: It Too Soon To Glance Back At Attractive Person

PORTLAND—Citing the fact that you just made eye contact with her and doing so again right away might come across as creepy, a new report released today has confirmed that it’s still too soon to glance back at the attractive person behind you.

International Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting international athletes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

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Man Moving To New City Never Took Time To Truly Loathe Surroundings

CHICAGO—Days before he was set to relocate to Denver for work, four-year Chicago resident Paul Marsden lamented Wednesday that he never really took the time to detest the city he called home for nearly half a decade. “It’s too bad, but I never got to truly despise Chicago’s eight-month-long winters, or how the CTA takes forever and doesn’t go anywhere you need it to,” Marsden told reporters, regretting that he hadn’t devoted any time to hating how nearly every bar in the city has several giant flatscreen TVs blaring Bulls, Bears, Cubs, White Sox, or Blackhawks games. “Sure, I could go on and on about the noxious cloud of piss and stale vomit that hangs over Wrigleyville, or the faux edginess of Wicker Park, but there are so many other horrible neighborhoods I never got the chance to hate. I guess I always thought there’d be time to appreciate how awful they are.” Marsden then resolved that when he gets to Denver, he’ll start hating his new home as soon as he can.

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