Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.

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Vol 49 Issue 17

Average Teen Will Spend $1,139 On Prom

Following a brief downturn in recent years due to the flagging economy, the average teen’s spending on prom this year is expected to rise to $1,139, with much of that money supplied by parents to pay for tickets, attire, hairstyling, and transportat...

Meet the Press

NBC 10 a.m. EDT/9 a.m. CDT Host David Gregory and DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz spend 10 minutes sharing a soft onscreen kiss.
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.

CHICAGO—Reasoning that he’s a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at 10:58 a.m. Wednesday that, fuck it, he was ready for lunch. “Who cares?” Dunedin said before putting on his jacket and leaving his office for a nearby sandwich shop. “It’s almost 11 o’clock, and I’m hungry. Do I give a flying fuck that it’s still morning? No, I do not. I’m getting food right now, and no one can do a goddamn thing to stop me.” According to sources, at 1:35 p.m. Dunedin had determined that, fuck it, if his coworkers were heading out, there was no reason he couldn’t join them and eat lunch again.

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