NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.
THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
TIPTON, IA—Following Gov. Scott Walker’s recent endorsement of building a fence along the Canadian border, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly worried Monday that all the good foreign countries to wall off from the U.S. had already been taken by other GOP candidates.
WASHINGTON—Wistfully recalling the prominence he had in previous campaign cycles, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters Monday that he is nostalgic for a time when his beliefs were considered outlandish enough to make headlines.
VATICAN CITY—Hurrying outside after hearing a disturbingly loud thud against the side of the church, Pope Francis was reportedly left to clean up the remains of a dead angel Monday that flew straight into one of the Sistine Chapel’s windows.
Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
ST. JOSEPH, MO—Saying that the daily ritual has been both physically and mentally draining, rookies on the Kansas City Chiefs confirmed Monday that they have been forced to carry all of head coach Andy Reid’s snacks to and from practice every day.
FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Repeatedly referring to himself as “on fire” and “in the zone” on that particular day, local office worker Kenneth Michelson was reportedly still talking this week about an incredibly productive afternoon he had nearly four months ago.