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    Millions Irrationally Feared Dead In Minor Train Accident

    2:49

    After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.

    Recent News
    Today Now!
    All Videos
    • Area Desk Doesn't Mind If People Sit On It Like A Chair Every Once In Awhile

      3:21

      The Royal baby speaks his first words, an unambitious loser with a happy, fulfilling life still lives in his hometown, and a pool owner has a bathing suit that touched his penis you can borrow.

    • Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year

      1:38

      Economists at Harvard University released a new study this week indicating that Americans who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues in public spaces make, on average, $10 million per year.

    • Perfectly Shitty Couch Sitting On Curb

      2:33

      The nation throws its hands up and tells black teens to be careful out there, J.K. Rowling is revealed to be the pseudonym of Newt Gingrich, and the FBI is offering $1 million for any information on cheetahs.

    • FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs

      1:06

      The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact them immediately in return for a one million dollar reward. Full Report.

    • Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

      1:06

      Producers insist that the beloved characters are merely friends and that “gay” doesn’t remotely describe their bizarre underworld of sexual deviance.

    • New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick

      1:54

      Tech Trends looks at the new Samsung Apex, a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks your cock all at the same time.

    • Serious Coworker Puts Headphones On To Focus On Sandwich

      2:52

      Red Roof Inn announces its new Suicidal Suite, the FBI can’t bring themselves to bust a guy torrenting every season of ‘Picket Fences,’ and zoo visitors watch the mating rituals of the ice cream shop staff.

    • Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

      2:03

      In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

    • New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released

      2:28

      A dying kid in Houston is holding on until the Astros develop a player worth meeting, fossilized evidence reveals the Spazosaurus was the largest doofus ever to roam the earth, and a Facebook friend is apparently under the impression that Ron Paul is stil...

    • Autopsy Of A Scene: Paul Feig Points Out How Many Ghosts Are In This Scene From 'The Heat'

      1:34

      Director Paul Feig narrates a clip from his new film 'The Heat,' which he says, like 'Bridesmaids,' is a ghost story at heart.

    • 'I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,' Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting

      1:24

      Upon coming across the same job posting Monday for a full-time position at a local startup company, an estimated 1,400 people reportedly described the opening as “a perfect fit” for their qualifications, saying it was exactly the opportunity t...

    • Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

      1:36

      After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.

    • Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life

      2:23

      McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.

    • Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

      1:05

      The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'The Wizard Of Oz'

      2:37

      The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Ronsenthal examines ‘The Wizard of Oz’ in this week’s Film Standard

    • Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

      1:36

      After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.

    • Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life

      2:23

      McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.

    • Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

      1:05

      The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.

    • Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister

      2:29

      A report confirms that many Iraqis are still holding a petty grudge about the U.S. invasion, an area man is outraged his private information is being collected by someone other than advertisers, and a new study proves it is impossible to lose weight, no o...

    • Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

      1:21

      Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

    • Brendan Fraser: 'I Would Like To Apply For One Kickstarter, Please'

      1:45

      The ‘Mummy’ star joined in on the crowdsourcing trend this week, sending an application and cover letter in to the Kickstarter headquarters.

    • Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One

      2:22

      Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they would have hit the big one, and an Asian guy has a separate group of Asian friends.

    • Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together

      1:58

      Sources at Charley’s Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke version of the 1988 Michael Jackson song “Man In The Mirror,” better get his goddamn act together sometime fucki...

    • 'The Internship' Poised To Be Biggest Comedy Of 2005

      1:51

      Critics say the upcoming Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson film about interning at Google has everything an audience in 2005 could want in a comedy.

    • Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer

      2:30

      The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models,' and the new and improved Google maps lets users launch missiles at any location on the globe.

    • Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic

      1:33

      SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday he is uncertain just how long he has to continue using a photograph of his departed friend as his F...

    • Kourtney Kardashian’s Stunning Bikini Body Washes Up On Shore

      1:24

      The sexy Kardashian wowed beachgoers when her slim post-baby beach bod washed ashore Zuma Beach in Malibu.

    • Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface

      2:19

      The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard, and a woman who cracked three separate iPhone screens is expecting a baby boy this August. It's the week of May 24, 2013.

    • VIRAL VIDEO: High School Sophomore Sinks Incredible, Unnecessary Half-Court Shot

      2:41

      Ryan Jurgens rode the bench most of the season, but when his coach gave him a chance, it really paid off!

    • How One Hot New Device Helps Couples Drag Out Their Doomed Relationship That Extra Month Or Two

      2:59

      The amazing new "Relationship Pro" video game controller lets both members of a couple pretend they are in a healthy relationship.

    • Popular Children's Book Author Reveals The 'Spooky Truth' About Creepy Conspiracy Theories

      4:18

      The bestselling author of “The Spooky Truth” series wants to teach kids that pulling back the curtain on what the government doesn’t want us to know can be fun!

    • Today NOW! Hosts Shake 7UP TEN Cans, Guarantee Explosive New Episode

      0:23

      Watch an all new episode of Today NOW! this Thursday exclusively at theonion.com.

    • Finance Expert Saves Struggling Zoo By Firing All Employees, Getting Rid of Cages

      2:56
      On Today NOW!, the savvy businessman who turned a zoo on the verge of bankruptcy into a money-making machine shares management tips with Jim and Tracy.
    • Is This 'Real Life Mr. Ed' Just A Horse Owned By A Lunatic?

      3:13

      Tracy spends some time on a local farm with Ray Kimball, who insists that his horse Franklin has the incredible ability to talk!

    • Amazing Dance Prodigy Hopes New Ballet Will Inspire Her Dad To Notice Her For Once

      3:03

      Jim and Tracy meet the incredible ballet prodigy who choreographed an entire desperate plea for her father's attention all on her own.

    • How To Get Your Son To Remove His Halloween Costume

      1:50

       On Today Now!, Tracy employs the help of an expert to get her own son to remove his filthy Spider-Man costume.

    • Today NOW! Offers 7UP TEN Chance For Fruitful Sponsorship

      0:33

      We invested $150,000 in this test sponsorship. We hope that you like it, 7UP TEN! Our producers tell us that our jobs depend on it!

    • New Ad Urges Hipsters To Go To Applebee's Ironically

      1:44

      On Today Now!, a consumer expert shows Jim a new Applebee's commercial that urges young people to come and mock their restaurants.

    • Medium Channels The Spirits Of Old Acquaintances For Awkward Small Talk

      3:06

      Psychic Kenneth Quinn connects Today Now! studio guests with former landlords and friends of work friends who have died for stilted conversations from beyond.

    • Planning A Spouse's Funeral Even Though They'll Probably Never Ever Die

      2:44

      On Today Now!, financial-planning expert Madeline Carden discusses how to plan for the death of a spouse, which won't happen for years and years and years, if ever.

    • Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air

      2:42

      Jim Haggerty helps to raise awareness about kidney stones by undergoing an operation in front of cameras.

    • Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself

      2:37

      Today Now! welcomes Linda Johnston, the inspiring woman who made history by talking about herself continuously for over fifty hours.

    • Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack

      2:25

      On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy talk to an 11-year-old who had his leg gnawed off by a cool-as-hell shark.

    • Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses

      2:49

      Jim and Tracy partner with the "Bridles of Hope" charity to replace the wife Don Groton lost to a drunk driver with a beautiful miniature horse.

    • Millions Irrationally Feared Dead In Minor Train Accident

      2:49

      After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.

    • Today Now!: Save Money By Taking A Vacation Entirely In Your Mind

      2:27

      Travel expert Cathy Barnette shows Jim and Tracy how to see the world without spending a dime or even leaving your home.

    • Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates

      3:02

      Two teens visit Today Now! in the hopes of finding their kidnapped friend and letting her know that their classmate is totally knocked up.

    • Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five"

      2:24
      Jim and Tracy welcome Chris Morgan, the kindergartener who wrote the latest action-packed "Fast And The Furious" sequel.

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    Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

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