GREENVILLE, NC—Aiming to accommodate family members’ preferences and avoid any frustration, local parents Melissa and Ron Walters officially designated the upstairs television for anybody who did not want to watch the Thanksgiving football games on Thursday, sources reported.
WASHINGTON—Providing insight into how American citizens participate in the political process, a report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center revealed that the vast majority of civic engagement in the U.S. centers around oppressing other people.
JEFFERSONTOWN, KY—Expressing frustration at not having left the house sooner, local bigot Doug Weber, 43, was reportedly annoyed late Monday night after discovering that the mosque he intended to deface had been vandalized before he got there.
NEW YORK—At a loss as to how they could emerge from a weekend of regular-season football without any fresh insight whatsoever, ashamed and humbled members of the sports media admitted to the public Tuesday that they learned absolutely nothing from week 11 of the NFL season.
UTICA, NY—Shooting anxious glances at each other across the dinner table upon the introduction of the unexpected topic, relatives of Mary Turner, 76, expressed concern to reporters Tuesday over where their grandmother is going with her discussion of low-income housing.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
OAK PARK, IL—Swiftly regaining his composure after initially jumping at the sight of flames erupting from the cocktail glass, local bartender Nick Brower confirmed Thursday that he was just going to pretend he had every intention of serving that last drink on fire.
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, 23 percent of Americans would vote for Jeb Bush in the presidential election if the Republican candidate was standing directly beside them in the voting booth.
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Modern-Day Robin Hood Just Sleeping In Woods, Shooting Rich People With Arrows