Claiming that he just wanted to do something malicious to her, committed abuser Matthew Strachan, 29, surprised his girlfriend at her office Thursday with an unexpected threat, workplace sources confirmed.
Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.
NEW YORK—Bracing itself as the 37-year-old opened the app in evident frustration, the status update bar at the top of area man Peter Daigle’s Facebook news feed expressed a profound sense of dread Tuesday about whatever the man was about to type into it, sources confirmed.
PEEKSKILL, NY—Lamenting that she is now inextricably associated with the popular image messaging app solely because of the date of her birth, local teen Caitlin Reese told reporters Thursday that she had no say whatsoever in becoming part of the Snapchat Generation.
HOUSTON—Calling it a privilege to work in such a dynamic and collaborative environment, NASA social media manager Dustin Greer, 26, told reporters Wednesday he considers himself fortunate to be a part of the space agency’s team.
NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.
SAN FRANCISCO—In a move designed to streamline the product’s interface and facilitate one of the more common interactions between customers and the ride-sharing service, Uber announced Wednesday that its newest update would allow users to file a lawsuit against the company from directly within the app.
NEW YORK—An alarming report released Monday by the National Audubon Society revealed that, during their lifetimes, nearly four of every five female birds will be sexually harassed by complete strangers lewdly exposing their colorful plumage.
BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Promising the most engaging and enjoyable experience of any mobile dating technology, the developers of the popular new app Couplet told reporters Monday their platform consists entirely of a static list of 20 physically attractive singles designed to be scrolled through endlessly.
OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
SILVER SPRING, MD—According to alarming new findings released Tuesday by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the ongoing effects of climate change will soon vastly increase the number of incidences of people stepping into a puddle and getting their whole goddamn foot soaking wet.
LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.
DURHAM, NC—According to a study published Monday by researchers at Duke University’s Center for Cognitive Neuroscience, humans experience the most intense feelings of happiness when pressing the “skip ad” button before watching a video on the internet.
BERKELEY, CA—Warning society that it has reached a crucial tipping point from which it may never be able to recover, a brittle, yellowing report sitting in the archives of the University of California’s Bioscience & Natural Resources Library reportedly urged readers Friday that “the time to act against climate change is right now.”
BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
WASHINGTON—Hoping the release of the updated image might generate a lead on the whereabouts of the missing animal, officials from the World Wildlife Fund published a photo Wednesday depicting what the dusky seaside sparrow—last seen on June 17, 1987—may have evolved to look like.
ITHACA, NY—In an ambitious attempt to revive a population long considered to be on the brink of extinction, scientists announced Friday they have slowly begun to reintroduce normal, well-adjusted human beings back into society.
STAGE 6—Saying the slightly raised, throbbing red patch of skin has been bothering him for quite some time, local video game boss Overlord told reporters Wednesday he was thinking he should get the big glowing weak spot on his back checked out.
BETHESDA, MD—Confirming accounts handed down among townsfolk for generations untold, a report released Wednesday by the National Institutes of Health has revealed the top cause of death in the United States is still venturing beyond the pines.
KURUMAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Archaeologists excavating a 1.5-million-year-old Homo erectus habitation site this week unearthed the strongest evidence to date that early humans first used fire to impress their friends.
WASHINGTON—Noting how fussy the endangered amphibian becomes whenever it encounters irreversible damage to its ecosystem, World Wildlife Fund officials confirmed Monday that the prima donna California tiger salamander just has to have every last part of its natural habitat intact.
ROCHESTER, MN—Hailing it as the best-tasting and most satisfying such product on the market, vegetarian food manufacturer Greenwood Farms unveiled a more realistic meat substitute Friday made from soy raised in brutally cruel conditions.
SAN FRANCISCO—Saying that ensuring users’ privacy was their highest priority, top executives at website WhooshSnaps.biz publicly affirmed their ongoing commitment to protecting visitors’ personal information Tuesday in a post featured on the site’s homepage.
SEATTLE—After downloading a $2.99 meditation app onto his Samsung Galaxy phone Thursday, local man Eric Reeves prepared himself to leave the earthly world behind and enter a lotus plane of pure, eternal serenity, sources reported.