With millions of Americans’ personal information becoming compromised by recent high-profile data breaches, many people are wondering just how anonymous hackers target and infiltrate these supposedly secure systems. Here is a step-by-step explanation of how your data can be stolen
NEW YORK—After reviewing the job candidate’s impressive educational background, research experience, and work history, hiring managers at Geneventis Pharmaceuticals reportedly flat-out asked female applicant Caitlyn Heard today about how much mileage they can get out of her before she has a baby.
SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.
DETROIT—Free to produce generic versions of the product after DoorBlocker’s 20-year patent ran out last month, hundreds of businesses have begun distributing cheap, off-brand doorstops to retail outlets nationwide, industry analysts confirmed Tuesday.
TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.
More students than ever are getting summer internships at top companies where they hope to make connections and learn career skills. Here are the most sought-after internships for college undergraduates:
WASHINGTON—Offering insight into the extreme fluctuations in humans’ emotional state, a study published Friday by the American Psychological Association finds that the most severe mood shifts tend to occur between the point in time at which individuals leave their workplace for lunch and the point at which they are compelled to return afterwards.
WASHINGTON—Explaining that it was one of the most lucrative options available, a report published Tuesday by the National Education Association found that most for-profit colleges were started by people in an effort to pay off their own student debt.
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that it was no trouble to either keep them or do away with them entirely, the world’s automakers assembled Monday to ask the public if it still wanted that little handle above their car windows.
SAN DIEGO—Noting that their store was the only game in town for the poor bastards stopping in, employees at the St. Margaret Hospital gift shop told reporters Tuesday they figured they could easily soak customers for 30 bucks a pop on the “I’m Thinking Of You” teddy bears.
CINCINNATI—Unaware that it will soon be regarded by his managers as an unnecessary drain on the company’s bottom line, local software engineer Rob Lofland reportedly celebrated a raise Thursday that his employer will eventually use to justify firing him.
CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.
WALTHAM, MA—Frustrated with a growing list of unacceptable workplace indignities, fed-up Catamount Systems employee Marc Holden is just about 14 years away from walking out the front door of his office and never returning, sources confirmed Thursday.
KENWOOD, OH—Saying she has a lot of nerve to try and pull something like this, employees of insurance agency Boland & Sons told reporters Wednesday that coworker Emily Nelson seems to believe she can just waltz back into work after her maternity...
YOUR OFFICE—Suddenly reappearing at your workplace after two visits late last week, sources confirmed Tuesday that a totally unknown guy is once again strolling around your part of the office for some reason.
PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Monday by researchers at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, employees typically display their most innovative thinking while brainstorming over-the-top quitting scenarios.
ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...
RICHMOND, VA—Speaking with reporters while opening Ziploc baggies of pretzel twists and baby carrots, local man Stan Keppler said Monday that he has started bringing in lunch from home to cut down on his small joys.
GRESHAM, OR—Underscoring the benefits of working for a laid-back company like SocialFire Marketing, founder and CEO Matt Avalon told reporters Tuesday he had instituted an office-wide policy permitting employees to work from home anytime after 6 p.m...
DICKINSON, ND—Saying that it was a pleasure to finally make his acquaintance, employees of local consulting firm Montevista Solutions introduced themselves Monday morning to new sales representative Brandon Whitley, a man whom they had all spent num...
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying that he’s “okay-looking but definitely nothing special,” employees at Southeastern Publishing Services reported Wednesday that Brian Tyler, a 27-year-old digital communications coordinator widely considered t...
SCHAUMBURG, IL—Visibly emotional employees at Casper-Neville Communications confirmed Monday that a 30-minute team-building exercise organized by the company’s management had instilled within them an intense solidarity, bringing the group to a...
EUGENE, OR—Arriving back at work after a two-week winter vacation, local marketing assistant Matthew Bueso told reporters Monday he was happy to return to the office with a fresh and rejuvenated loathing for his job.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
MOBILE, AL—Saying that the program's flashing lights and rapid-fire question-and-answer rounds were unlike anything previously known to humanity, 24-year-old Adam Green told reporters Friday that he had found his parents watching an entirely undisco...
PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.
Stay Up To Date, Follow @THEONION
More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks