NASA Continues Search For Planet Capable Of Supporting NASA

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What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

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Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

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Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

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Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
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NASA Continues Search For Planet Capable Of Supporting NASA

HOUSTON—Nearly four years after launching its Kepler space telescope to search for worlds outside our solar system, NASA officials confirmed Tuesday they had yet to find a planet with sufficient resources to support the space-exploration agency and its 18,000 employees. “While the discovery of Earth-like exoplanets continues at an encouraging pace, we have so far been unsuccessful at locating one with the proper financial climate and abundant liquid assets necessary to allow an agency of our size and scope to survive,” said agency administrator Charles Bolden, noting that only a relative handful of planets had been found in the so-called NASA Goldilocks Zone, an area of space in which water, moderate temperatures, and $20 billion in annual funding might exist. “There are billions of planets in our galaxy, so we’re very hopeful that one of them might harbor life-forms that actually have an interest in space and science more generally. We haven’t found one yet, but we believe they’re out there.” While Bolden stated that the Kepler mission had found 2,700 exoplanets to date, every one of them appeared to be facing crippling budget shortfalls.

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