Nation Just Wants To Be Safe, Happy, Rich, Comfortable, Entertained At All Times

In This Section

Luxury

2015 Tech Trends

Showcasing everything from wearable devices to self-driving cars and personal drones, this year’s Consumer Electronics Show revealed the latest in new technology.

Source Of Jealousy Not Even That Successful

TULSA, OK—Despite living a life that by most standards is only slightly more successful than average, local account manager Jeremy Thomas is nevertheless the primary source of coworker Christopher Palgon’s intense jealousy, sources reported Mo...

Fancy Man Enjoys Tea

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—"I normally have some Earl Grey in the morning," said Baumer, referring to the tea named after a guy who ran around England in a wig and fruity tights.

Upper-Middle-Class Woman Worries There's Better Coffee She Doesn't Know About

DEERFIELD, IL—Upper-middle-class homemaker Irene Risser expressed fear Monday that there exists a gourmet coffee superior to the brands she currently buys. "I have Kona Coffee's peaberry flavor, which is really terrific, and I also like to buy Sumatran Rainforest," Risser said. "But I still worry that somewhere out there, someone has better, more expensive coffee than I do." Risser then went on the Internet to search for $25-a-pound breakfast blends.

Rich Guy Wins Yacht Race

NEWPORT, RI–Some rich guy came in first Monday in that big, famous yacht race held every year at the Newport Yacht Club, a big, fancy yacht place with "a whole lot of really expensive-looking boats and shit," sources reported.

Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

MEDFORD, MA—Medford resident Bob Schroeder spoke out Monday against a ketchup packet he recently acquired at a local restaurant, claiming it was not fancy enough. "The label on the packet clearly indicated it was 'fancy' ketchup, but upon breaking the packet's seal, it was clear that the ketchup was not very fancy at all. In fact, it appeared to be quite ordinary." Melvin Burr, a spokesperson for the manufacturer of the ketchup, denied any wrongdoing. "Our ketchup is processed in accordance with all federal fanciness standards, including the stipulation that all our factory workers be duchesses."
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Nation Just Wants To Be Safe, Happy, Rich, Comfortable, Entertained At All Times

Also Healthy, Fulfilled, Successful, and Loved

WASHINGTON—In a new report released Wednesday by the Pew Research center, Americans indicated that when it comes to what they expect from their country, all they really want is to be safe, happy, rich, comfortable, and entertained at absolutely all times.

In addition, the U.S. populace reportedly wondered whether it was too much to ask that they always be healthy, fulfilled, successful, safe, loved, relaxed, inspired, motivated, worry-free, and content every second of their lives from birth until death “given that this is America, after all.”

“It’s not that complicated; at the end of the day, all I want from America is a good job, a nice house, romantic fulfillment, beautiful sunny weather during the day, starlit skies at night, low gas prices, independence from foreign oil, free food, free health care, free media, everything free,” said Maryland resident Lena McCarthy, 36, adding that if everything can’t be free, she wants her goods cheap, manufactured “right here in the U.S. of A,” and wants workers paid a good wage. “We’re talking about basic stuff here. I just want tasty fast food that’s good for me; an excellent school district with low property taxes; a high-six-figure salary; a stress-free, 40-hour workweek at a job where there aren’t a lot of meetings; and have my weekends totally free. I definitely want to keep those weekends open.”

“If this country could just give me that, then you wouldn’t hear another word out of me,” McCarthy added. “I mean, come on. We’re the world’s biggest superpower. Is giving me a manufacturing sector that always remains strong, complete and total energy independence, a cure for cancer, central air conditioning units that never break down, and world peace so hard to do?”

The study, which was conducted over the last two years, went on to indicate that in addition to zero traffic on workdays and public transportation that always runs on time, all Americans really want is free, high-speed internet access readily available in all planes, buses, cafés, and classrooms.

Moreover, Americans reportedly felt that they should have the luxury of an iPad, smartphone, and Bluetooth technology at all times, along with freedom from living in a tech-obsessed society. The report confirmed that U.S. citizens also wondered that if this is really the best country on earth, why isn’t it easy to have an emotionally connected family life, enough time to watch all the TV shows they’ve been meaning to watch, and good water filters that remove impurities from water much faster than they do now?

Additionally, the poll found that 85 percent of the populace wants Medicaid and arts funding to be increased and for the national deficit to go down. Sixty-one percent want the government to end world hunger, make beachfront property affordable, and figure out how people can wake up one morning and suddenly have $500,000 more dollars in their bank accounts. Ninety-three percent want to be tall and strikingly attractive, and 100 percent of Americans wanted all of these things all of the time, plus a good dog, therapy, and unconditional love from their parents.

“We’re living in the nation that gave the world the telephone, the television, and the airplane. Is it so much to ask that every bakery serve top-notch pastries and that we have complimentary car service to and from work?” 41-year-old Florida resident Arlen Goldman said. “And just think about this for second: People still die of disease. Where are we, medieval Europe? Last time I checked, this was America. Why are we still dying of illness? Why are we even dying?”

“It’s not like I’m asking for the moon and the stars here,” Goldman added. “I just don’t want to die.”

Adding that “this is the land of Washington and Jefferson,” Americans reportedly emphasized that they want to live in a country where air travel is completely safe, passengers can walk onto a plane without going through a lengthy security line, corporations pay their fair share, corporations feel free to invest in national and international markets, corporations only invest in the United States, live theater is outstanding and available at a discount, and racism, poverty, sexism, nepotism, cronyism, and corruption are things of the past.

“If this is truly the home of the free, we need to make sure our personal liberties are maintained so that we feel safe, and that stringent counterterrorism surveillance measures are in place so that we feel safe,” McCarthy continued. “And no big storms. Normal storms are fine, just nothing newsworthy. And no more tragedies. No more gun violence or hate crimes. Or crime, period. And no gray area where things aren’t cut-and-dry. Is this America or not?”

“We put a man on the moon, for crying out loud,” McCarthy continued. “Can’t the government just hurry up and solve the student debt crisis, make colleges lower their tuition, make them do a Friends reunion, ensure that everyone finds their soulmate, and then guarantees that the spark lasts? We’re talking about our inalienable rights as Americans here.”

The report concluded that when all was said and done, Americans would still be “pretty much set” if all they ever got was aggressive countermeasures to global warming, low taxes or no taxes, free parking, no-strings-attached sex, matching 401k retirement plans, quick and easy weight loss, everything that was already mentioned in this article, and above all else, no handouts.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More