Nation Just Wants To Be Safe, Happy, Rich, Comfortable, Entertained At All Times 

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Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Complete Idiot Forgot To Shave Area Between Mouth And Nose

LONG BEACH, CA—Marveling at how he had foolishly overlooked the conspicuous tuft of facial hair, sources confirmed Thursday that local man and complete idiot Elliot Weaver, 26, apparently forgot to shave the area between his mouth and nose.

Hospital Comforts Patients With New Therapy Oyster Program

CHICAGO—As part of an effort to provide comfort and serenity to patients, officials at Mount Sinai Hospital have launched a new therapy oyster program that brings hundreds of the bivalve mollusks to the bedsides of those most in need of cheering up.

Foster Mom Doesn't Pick Least Favorites

SEATTLE—Foster mom Ellen Kovach told reporters Thursday she doesn’t play least favorites, claiming that each of the minors placed in her home is provided with an equal amount of deep, seething animosity. “They’re all my least favor...

Maple Syrup Reactors Safe, Canadian Prime Minister Reassures

OTTAWA—Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper addressed growing public concerns about the safety of his country's maple syrup reactors Thursday, reassuring citizens that the sucrose fission facilities posed little risk of failure and there was absolutely no reason to be concerned.

Obama To Make Reassuring Eye Contact With Every Last American

ROCKLAND, ME—In an attempt to convince an anxious populace that his progressive legislative agenda is working and that everything is going to be all right, President Barack Obama embarked on a 50-state, 30,000-town tour Monday during which he plans to gaze assuredly into the eyes of each American citizen, one at a time.
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Nation Just Wants To Be Safe, Happy, Rich, Comfortable, Entertained At All Times 

In a new report released Wednesday by the Pew Research center, Americans indicated that when it comes to what they expect from their country, all they really want is to be safe, happy, rich, comfortable, and entertained at absolutely all times.

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