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Vol 50 Issue 23

Study: ‘Cool Kids’ Struggle As Adults

According to a decade-long study that tracked hundreds of teenagers into adulthood, students who were considered “cool kids” in middle school turned out to have more problems as adults, such as substance abuse and criminal behavior.

Facebook Lifts Ban On Breastfeeding Photos

After drawing criticism for prohibiting photos of breastfeeding mothers under its no-nipples policy, Facebook has quietly lifted the ban and started allowing mothers to post breastfeeding photos without risk of removal, though all other pictures of nipple...

God’s Will Only Thing Keeping AC Unit In Window

States offer millions in tax breaks to any person who says ‘high-tech jobs,’ a child is entertained for five minutes by a toy that will take 1 million years to biodegrade, and God’s will is the only thing keeping an AC unit in a window.

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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