INDIANAPOLIS—Smiling as she greeted her husband’s new running mate onstage at a campaign rally Wednesday, Heidi Cruz is said to have drawn Carly Fiorina into a tight hug and whispered “Run! Run, and never look back!” into the former Hewlett-Packard CEO’s ear.
INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to regain momentum after a disappointing showing in Tuesday’s primaries, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz announced at a rally Wednesday that his choice for vice president would be this fuckin’ lady—remember her?
WASHINGTON—According to a report published Wednesday by analysts at the Pew Research Center, there are only 893,000 news articles, feature stories, and opinion pieces to go until the 2016 presidential election is behind us.
ALBANY, NY—Covering their ears as the thunderous sound violently shook buildings and shattered glass windows, New York residents reportedly cowered in shock and fear Tuesday night as Hillary Clinton’s primary election victory speech reverberated across the entire state.
‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff
DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.
NEW YORK—Saying the activity seemed like the perfect way to spend some free time while he was visiting Manhattan, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly asked a hansom cab driver in Central Park Tuesday how much it would cost to whip his horse for one hour.
NEW YORK—Explaining how she was originally shown the small, out-of-the-way establishment years ago by a well-connected friend, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly took her campaign staff to a little hole-in-the-wall financial institution in lower Manhattan Tuesday that she said not many people know about.
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that she once faced the same challenges and anxieties as so many of the city’s residents, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reminded voters at a campaign rally Monday that she too moved to New York hoping to make her career dreams come true, sources reported.
WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by political scientists at Georgetown University, not one of the 31 American citizens who actually possess the wisdom, integrity, poise under pressure, and sound judgment to be president of the United States is running in the 2016 election.
WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.
NEW YORK—Inviting all those truly committed to economic equality, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced during Thursday night’s Democratic debate that anyone who’s serious about breaking up big banks should meet him on the corner of Canal and Bowery at midnight.
NEW YORK—Repeatedly emphasizing how her proposed policies would benefit middle-aged fathers of three who work in the public sector, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared to be tailoring each of her answers during Thursday night’s primary debate to a single unclaimed New York superdelegate, sources reported.
NEW YORK—Enraged by his public pronouncements regarding that which is yet to be, the almighty gods on high are said to have blinded political statistician Nate Silver this week as punishment for seeking forbidden knowledge of the future.
Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.
NEW YORK—Confirming the accident occurred while transferring a new load of cash into Hillary Clinton’s campaign finance warehouse, sources reported that Hillary for America treasurer Jose Villarreal was crushed to death Friday after a stack of campaign funds toppled over onto him.
WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.
WASHINGTON—Saying the insight was their sole source of comfort in an otherwise frustrating election season, Americans across the country reported Friday they’re finding solace in the knowledge that the 2016 presidential candidates are taking years off of their lives by running for president.
‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate
BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.
COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing concern at the noticeable lack of intensity at his campaign events, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich confided to reporters Thursday that he’s worried he’ll never possess the charisma necessary to incite his supporters into a crazed, violent frenzy.
ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.
MILWAUKEE—Attempting to connect with voters in the run-up to Wisconsin’s crucial state primary next week, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly opened up to a town hall crowd Tuesday about his early days as a larva feeding on a rotting porcupine carcass.
JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.