Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

NEW YORK—In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be played. “Do you think you’re some sort of funny guy? Do you think you can mess with me? Well, now is the time to do that,” said veteran Bronx detective Roger “Ratchet” O’Doyle, adding that it was the perfect time to mess with him and that, for the moment, lowlife scum could also assume he was born yesterday without fear of being shoved into a wall or dangled from a rooftop. “We’ve got about two hours here to get jerked around by punks like you. After that, it will no longer be a game, but for now, we do indeed have time for this shit.” The period in which hardass cops can be fucked with will reportedly continue until former detective Darryl Sykes emerges from retirement, grabs a low-level drug dealer by the shirt, shouts “Playtime’s over!” and tosses him off a bridge.