Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

Top Headlines

Recent News

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

NEW YORK—In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be played. “Do you think you’re some sort of funny guy? Do you think you can mess with me? Well, now is the time to do that,” said veteran Bronx detective Roger “Ratchet” O’Doyle, adding that it was the perfect time to mess with him and that, for the moment, lowlife scum could also assume he was born yesterday without fear of being shoved into a wall or dangled from a rooftop. “We’ve got about two hours here to get jerked around by punks like you. After that, it will no longer be a game, but for now, we do indeed have time for this shit.” The period in which hardass cops can be fucked with will reportedly continue until former detective Darryl Sykes emerges from retirement, grabs a low-level drug dealer by the shirt, shouts “Playtime’s over!” and tosses him off a bridge.

Next Story