Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

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Vol 48 Issue 49

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye were married before friends and family this weekend, but as of press time it was not known if the ceremony was beautiful.

Oscar Mayer Unveils New Weiner Drone

The 15-year-old Duchess of McComb, Alabama announces her pregnancy, a 38-year-old little boy posts a picture of a fast car he likes on Facebook, and the nation's hardass cops finally find time to play games.

Pot, Gay Marriage Now Legal In Washington

Same-sex marriage licenses became available in Washington state yesterday at 12:01 a.m., and at the same time, a voter-backed law decriminalizing the recreational use of marijuana took effect.

Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub

TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone in his office daydreaming about a mouthwatering 72-inch Springsteen sub.
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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

NEW YORK—In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be played. “Do you think you’re some sort of funny guy? Do you think you can mess with me? Well, now is the time to do that,” said veteran Bronx detective Roger “Ratchet” O’Doyle, adding that it was the perfect time to mess with him and that, for the moment, lowlife scum could also assume he was born yesterday without fear of being shoved into a wall or dangled from a rooftop. “We’ve got about two hours here to get jerked around by punks like you. After that, it will no longer be a game, but for now, we do indeed have time for this shit.” The period in which hardass cops can be fucked with will reportedly continue until former detective Darryl Sykes emerges from retirement, grabs a low-level drug dealer by the shirt, shouts “Playtime’s over!” and tosses him off a bridge.

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