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Netflix Sends Message To Check If Area Man Okay After Watching Entire Season Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ In Single Sitting

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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Netflix Sends Message To Check If Area Man Okay After Watching Entire Season Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ In Single Sitting

CLARKSBURG, WV—Video-streaming service Netflix reportedly checked in on local customer Shane Fowler late Tuesday after a marathon viewing session in which the 31-year-old watched the entire third season of the TV series Sons Of Anarchy in one sitting. “Hey, bud, just wanted to make sure everything’s all right over there. You doing okay?” read an e-mail Fowler received after he finished watching more than a dozen consecutive 45-minute episodes of the FX motorcycle gang drama. “We noticed you’ve kind of been burning through a lot of shows lately, and we just thought we’d check to see if everything’s all right at work and at home and what not. As long as you’re good, we’ll get out of your hair, but if there’s ever anything you need, let us know, okay? Cool.” Sources confirmed Netflix’s top 10 list of suggestions for Fowler currently includes going outside for a bit of fresh air, meeting new people, and checking out all 13 episodes of the website’s critically acclaimed new political series House Of Cards.

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