New Sony Nose Buds Allow Users To Blast Different Smells Into Nostrils

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

New Sony Nose Buds Allow Users To Blast Different Smells Into Nostrils

Hailing the product as a revolution in smelling technology, Sony released its sleek new line of nose buds Monday, which will allow consumers to blast a variety of scents directly into their nostrils whenever and wherever they please. 

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