NHL Tries To Woo Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line

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Vol 45 Issue 21

Archie To Choose Betty Or Veronica

After nearly 68 years, a grown-up Archie Andrews will ask either Betty or Veronica for her hand in marriage in an upcoming issue of his eponymous...

Guantánamo Closure Delayed

By a margin of 90-6, the Senate voted down funding to relocate the 240 inmates being held at Guantánamo Bay to facilities on American soil....
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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