Calling it the most effective method for reaching one’s full earning potential, a report issued Thursday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that violently slamming one’s supervisor against a wall and shouting, “Cash!
In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats. Full article.
David Connors sits down for an exclusive interview with Congressman Bart Handford, who is finally opening up about the nude photo scandal that has threatened his career.
Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.
A tragic scene in Virginia as a gunman opened fire at the offices of SlashForward Marketing. Managers described the timing of the shooting as “incredibly inopportune” as the company is already struggling to meet its Q3 sales goals.
An unpopular police officer thinks about committing a racially motivated offense for a little support, a middle-aged man is having the best snacks of his life, and a housefly drops everything to go stand on a watermelon slice.
In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time. Full article.
Touting it as their most stylish and advanced beauty product to date, officials from global cosmetics brand Maybelline unveiled Thursday the Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask, a flexible facial covering that can be worn over the head in lieu of makeup. Full article.
According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.
According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.
If you hear the telltale crunch of a hipster’s discarded beard under your feet, don’t worry: experts say the hirsute young men are just making room to grow even larger, more ironic beards.
Offering one-click companionship for singles who have exhausted all other options, new last-ditch dating website LastShot.com, which launched earlier this week, pairs users with a partner based solely on whether they have open sores anywhere ... Full article.
According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts were once again a breeze for the nation’s Blakes. Full article.
Seeking a more humane method of carrying out capital punishment, Ohio’s new machine yanks inmates heads from their bodies using painless, powerful robotic claws.
According to a survey of hospice patients released Thursday by the Princeton Medical Institute, the most common regret of the dying is never having sprayed a fire extinguisher. Full article.
Paul Ryan is spending the final day of the campaign doing what he loves–reminding America's downtrodden that everything bad in their lives is their own fault.
America's roommates have launched a grassroots campaign to spread the message that one person can't make a difference if you really, really think about it.
Record turnout is expected at the polls thanks to a groundbreaking new voting booth that lets Americans violently murder the candidate they hate the most.
BREAKING: Analysts are scrambling to determine what leaked searches like "Blood child, blood on the child" and "must the president look at people" could tell us about Mitt Romney.
The Onion profiles key battleground state Florida, known for being a state that can go either way. For instance, in 2000, the state famously voted for Republican George W.
Ohio figures to once again be a key battleground state. The Onion presents its profile of the swing state that sends Republicans and Democrats alike into a state of terror every four years.
Your pathetic, statistically meaningless vote is more important than ever this year. To help you make the right choice, we present The Onion's guide to GOP candidate Mitt Romney.
In an attempt to court the youth vote, Obama will star in the full-length Judd Apatow comedy "Commander In Steve" alongside James Franco and Seth Rogan.
