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    NRA Fights Legislation That Would Ban Gun Sales To Those Currently On Killing Sprees

    1:08

    The NRA says a proposal to ban gun sales to anyone in the middle of a killing spree is a gross violation of the Second Amendment.

    Recent News
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    • Area Desk Doesn't Mind If People Sit On It Like A Chair Every Once In Awhile

      3:21

      The Royal baby speaks his first words, an unambitious loser with a happy, fulfilling life still lives in his hometown, and a pool owner has a bathing suit that touched his penis you can borrow.

    • Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year

      1:38

      Economists at Harvard University released a new study this week indicating that Americans who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues in public spaces make, on average, $10 million per year.

    • Perfectly Shitty Couch Sitting On Curb

      2:33

      The nation throws its hands up and tells black teens to be careful out there, J.K. Rowling is revealed to be the pseudonym of Newt Gingrich, and the FBI is offering $1 million for any information on cheetahs.

    • FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs

      1:06

      The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact them immediately in return for a one million dollar reward. Full Report.

    • Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

      1:06

      Producers insist that the beloved characters are merely friends and that “gay” doesn’t remotely describe their bizarre underworld of sexual deviance.

    • New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick

      1:54

      Tech Trends looks at the new Samsung Apex, a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks your cock all at the same time.

    • Serious Coworker Puts Headphones On To Focus On Sandwich

      2:52

      Red Roof Inn announces its new Suicidal Suite, the FBI can’t bring themselves to bust a guy torrenting every season of ‘Picket Fences,’ and zoo visitors watch the mating rituals of the ice cream shop staff.

    • Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

      2:03

      In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

    • New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released

      2:28

      A dying kid in Houston is holding on until the Astros develop a player worth meeting, fossilized evidence reveals the Spazosaurus was the largest doofus ever to roam the earth, and a Facebook friend is apparently under the impression that Ron Paul is stil...

    • Autopsy Of A Scene: Paul Feig Points Out How Many Ghosts Are In This Scene From 'The Heat'

      1:34

      Director Paul Feig narrates a clip from his new film 'The Heat,' which he says, like 'Bridesmaids,' is a ghost story at heart.

    • 'I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,' Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting

      1:24

      Upon coming across the same job posting Monday for a full-time position at a local startup company, an estimated 1,400 people reportedly described the opening as “a perfect fit” for their qualifications, saying it was exactly the opportunity t...

    • Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

      1:36

      After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.

    • Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life

      2:23

      McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.

    • Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

      1:05

      The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'The Wizard Of Oz'

      2:37

      The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Ronsenthal examines ‘The Wizard of Oz’ in this week’s Film Standard

    • Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

      1:36

      After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.

    • Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life

      2:23

      McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.

    • Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

      1:05

      The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.

    • Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister

      2:29

      A report confirms that many Iraqis are still holding a petty grudge about the U.S. invasion, an area man is outraged his private information is being collected by someone other than advertisers, and a new study proves it is impossible to lose weight, no o...

    • Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

      1:21

      Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

    • Brendan Fraser: 'I Would Like To Apply For One Kickstarter, Please'

      1:45

      The ‘Mummy’ star joined in on the crowdsourcing trend this week, sending an application and cover letter in to the Kickstarter headquarters.

    • Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One

      2:22

      Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they would have hit the big one, and an Asian guy has a separate group of Asian friends.

    • Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together

      1:58

      Sources at Charley’s Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke version of the 1988 Michael Jackson song “Man In The Mirror,” better get his goddamn act together sometime fucki...

    • 'The Internship' Poised To Be Biggest Comedy Of 2005

      1:51

      Critics say the upcoming Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson film about interning at Google has everything an audience in 2005 could want in a comedy.

    • Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer

      2:30

      The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models,' and the new and improved Google maps lets users launch missiles at any location on the globe.

    • Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic

      1:33

      SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday he is uncertain just how long he has to continue using a photograph of his departed friend as his F...

    • Kourtney Kardashian’s Stunning Bikini Body Washes Up On Shore

      1:24

      The sexy Kardashian wowed beachgoers when her slim post-baby beach bod washed ashore Zuma Beach in Malibu.

    • Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface

      2:19

      The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard, and a woman who cracked three separate iPhone screens is expecting a baby boy this August. It's the week of May 24, 2013.

    • Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

      1:06

      Producers insist that the beloved characters are merely friends and that “gay” doesn’t remotely describe their bizarre underworld of sexual deviance.

    • Xbox One Capable Of Controlling Users With Simple Voice Commands

      1:11

      Microsoft says their new Xbox features a host of simple voice commands that will easily control and instruct gamers.

    • Obama Aims To Limit Civilian Casualties With Switch To Taser Drones

      0:58

      President Obama announced today that he plans to reduce drone casualties by replacing missiles with high-range 11 megavolt tasers.

    • Jessica Simpson Goes On Tour To Promote The Novel She Read

      1:03

      The pregnant starlet has finished reading her long-awaited first book and is currently traveling the country to promote the John Grisham thriller to her fans.

    • Physicists Confirm They Have Found And Killed The 'God Particle'

      0:35

      CERN researchers confirm that they have finally identified the elusive Higgs Boson particle and destroyed it forever.

    • Ten Years Later, Cheney Haunted By People He Didn't Manage To Kill In Iraq War

      0:43

      In a rare, candid interview, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted he regrets that he couldn’t produce more casualties in the decade-long conflict.

    • Paul Ryan's Unsettling Budget Plan Reveals He Cuts His Own Hair

      0:52

      Congressman Ryan is defending his extreme budget plan, which includes proposals that Americans make their own toothpaste and cut their own hair, just like he does.

    • Pope Francis Resigns

      0:45

      The Catholic world was rocked today as 76-year-old Pope Francis I announced plans to step down at the end of the month.

    • James Holmes’ Arraignment Delayed As Court Struggles To Remember Which Mass Shooter He Is

      1:08

      Court officials complain that it’s too difficult to keep track of every massacre and that recalling one from all the way back in July of 2012 is almost impossible.

    • Shady New Wendy's Deal Offering Five Hamburgers For Free, No Questions Asked

      0:56

      The fast-food chain has rolled out a suspicious new promotion selling five hamburgers for zero dollars.

    • Obama Issues Presidential Pardon To Get Biden Out Of Jail For Third Time This Year

      1:15

      The President was forced to exercise his clemency powers to free Joe Biden last week after the Vice President called the White House at 3 AM from a prison pay phone.

    • Romney Blames Loss On Successfully Communicating His Message To Minorities 

      0:55

      In his first televised interview since the election, Mitt Romney said his bid for the White House was doomed by his ability to effectively and honestly convey his opinions to minority voters.

    • Girls Gone Wild Bankruptcy Forces Thousands Of Wet, Wild Party Girls Into Tough Job Market

      1:15

      Experts are blaming Girls Gone Wild’s recent bankruptcy on the company’s business model of employing their hot, horny coeds full time.

    • God: At Times It Felt Like The Pope Had One Foot Out The Door

      0:31

      The Divine Creator of All Things addressed a throng of dedicated fans on his troubled working relationship with the former Pope.

    • Transportation Secretary LaHood Hoarding Traffic Cones, Stop Signs In Advance Of Looming Sequester

      0:56

      Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood is being proactive in the face of his department's potential budget cuts by scouring the country for road signs, traffic lights, and other unattended resources before Friday's sequester hits.

    • Winter Storm Rocky Expected To Hit Kevin Hodges Of Joliet, IL Hardest After The Year He's Had

      1:20

      Meteorologists say the blizzard pummeling the Midwest is expected to devastate Illinois resident Kevin Hodges given everything he's been going through lately. 

    • Oscars Fashion Report: Ben Affleck Looked More Handsome Than Ever, Wrapped In A Stylish George Clooney

      1:35

      The red carpet has never been hotter! Our fashion experts pick out their favorite looks, including Ben Affleck wrapped in a stylish George Clooney.

    • Somber Red Carpet Moment As 'In Memoriam' Coffins Wheeled Into The Auditorium

      0:35

      Stars and fans pay their respects as the corpses of celebrities we lost in 2012 are carried into the Dolby Theater for the Oscars.

    • Johnny Depp Now Completely Made Of Scarves And Bracelets

      0:49

      New photos show that the aging heartthrob has transitioned gracefully into a handsome mass of fabric and ornate bangles.

    • Republicans Reach Out To Women With New 'No Punch Pretty Lady' Bill

      1:08

      To shore up support among female voters, the GOP has introduced a bill banning "putting angry hands to lady necks" and "hurting pretty ladies with mean sex." 

    Onion Review

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    Serious Coworker Puts Headphones On To Focus On Sandwich

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    Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

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    Xbox One Capable Of Controlling Users With Simple Voice Commands

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