NEW YORK—Sitting down with his most heavily armed advisors to go over potential courses of action, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly held a strategy meeting with his campaign’s top militia leaders Thursday afternoon in order to map out their approach before November 8.
WASHINGTON—Saying the subject came “completely out of nowhere,” Americans across the country reported Thursday that they were taken aback by how the peaceful transfer of executive power in the United States was making a surprise last-minute push to become the most pressing issue of the 2016 election.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to help voters make an informed decision at the polls, the Federal Election Commission announced Thursday it would be extending the U.S. presidential election by seven months to give Americans the opportunity to better get to know the presidential candidates.
Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions
HARRISBURG, PA—Instructing volunteers to remain alert and pay close attention to every individual who arrives at their voting location, the “Trump Election Observer” section of Donald Trump’s campaign website reportedly trains supporters to spot any suspicious skin colors they may see on Election Day, sources confirmed this week.
PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
PARADISE, NV—Interrupted by an aide to the Republican nominee who strode up to his table during the third presidential debate Wednesday, moderator Chris Wallace is said to have received a cease-and-desist letter from the Trump Organization in the middle of asking Donald Trump to respond to allegations that he groped multiple women.
FORT WAYNE, IN—Saying he was still on the fence and was hoping Wednesday night’s final presidential debate would provide him with some clarity, undecided voter Kevin Dewey told reporters he is waiting until he hears the same responses from the nominees for the seventh time before deciding who he’ll cast his ballot for.
PARADISE, NV—Reminding viewers of the agreed-upon rules before the start of Wednesday’s third presidential debate, moderator Chris Wallace explained that the rest of the GOP would be given two minutes after each response by Donald Trump to distance themselves from the Republican nominee.
PARADISE, NV—In an effort to ensure that voters watching at home could follow the discussion onstage without distraction, the Commission on Presidential Debates announced it would be anesthetizing the audience at UNLV’s Thomas & Mack Center ahead of the final presidential debate Wednesday night.
EVANSDALE, IA—Providing comfort to residents of the stricken community, Republican vice presidential nominee Mike Pence visited a small town in the nation’s heartland Wednesday that had recently been hit hard by children viewing R-rated movies, sources confirmed.
WASHINGTON—While thinking about this November’s election and remembering that only a few months remain in Barack Obama’s presidency, Americans throughout the country are said to have suddenly come to the realization Tuesday that they, in fact, never had to worry about John McCain dying over the past eight years had he become president in 2008.
PARADISE, NV—In an effort to ensure the most relevant topics are addressed during the third and final presidential debate, organizers revealed Tuesday that the first 15 minutes of the event would be set aside to focus on whatever major Donald Trump revelation comes out between now and then
WASHINGTON—Reminding party officials she wasn’t sticking around past November 8 and that they could all “kiss [her] ass” after that, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly informed the Democratic National Committee today that they would be completely on their own once the election was over.
NEW YORK—Assuring the nation he would work quickly and tirelessly to carry out his agenda, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly issued a press statement Monday mapping out his first 100 days of not conceding the 2016 election.
WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.
NEW YORK—Telling several members of the investment bank’s board of directors how they had to check her out whenever they get a chance, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein was overheard Monday describing to friends how incredible it is to see Hillary Clinton live.
Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims
MILWAUKEE—Unable to hold back a smile as he reflected on the joyful, more innocent period of his life, local voter Gary Michaels, 47, took several moments Monday to look back nostalgically at a time when he was uninformed about the 2016 presidential candidates, sources confirmed.
ST. LOUIS—Insisting the signaling devices posed a safety threat to the local community, a confused audience member at Sunday night’s presidential town hall debate reportedly questioned the nominees about the city’s new traffic lights.
ST. LOUIS—Standing up from his seat and addressing the Democratic presidential nominee during Sunday night’s town hall debate, audience member Lewis Sherman, 46, reportedly asked Hillary Clinton to quickly pivot away from answering his original question and then spend the remainder of her time laying out her entire platform.
ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Looking on in bewilderment as the woman paid close attention to each answer provided by Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, sources confirmed Sunday that weird debate viewer Hayley Polantz was using tonight’s town hall forum to inform herself about the nominees’ policy positions.
ST. LOUIS—Saying he hoped the Republican nominee could clear up the matter for American voters, moderator Anderson Cooper reportedly began the second presidential debate Sunday night by giving Donald Trump the opportunity to explain exactly what the fuck is wrong with him.