President Obama urges citizens to hide evidence of our formerly prosperous lives from the nation's youth. Suave releases a new 20 year leave-in conditioner. And a truly authentic Mexican restaurant is shut down immediately. Focus groups have found the tone of my voice to be cold and unforgiving. They are correct. It's The Onion Week In Review. Saying they weren't interested in hearing about what is or isn't possible, moviegoers demanded this week to see Heath Ledger reprise his role as the Joker in this summer's the Dark Knight Rises. Avid fans called for new scenes of the late actor onscreen living and breathing in the upcoming film, adding that they didn't want to get into a whole existential debate about it, they just wanted to see it done. I don't want to have to talk about who's alive and who's dead. I just want an original scene with original dialogue with Christian Bale playing Batman and Heath Ledger playing the Joker. Film enthusiasts added that while they're at it, a brief vignette with Jack Nicholson's Joker talking to Heath Ledger about teaming up to run Gotham City together would be pretty cool too. Washington area conservationists announced Wednesday the beginning of a new breeding program designed to save the few remaining members of the moderate Republican species from complete extinction. Environmentalists launched an initiative Monday to capture centrist GOP politicians in their natural habitat, and move them to captivity where they're safe from the highly territorial evangelical and Tea Party sub-genus. A lot of captured specimens tend to be weary around each other at first, but once they realize they're free to support gay rights or increase funding for public education, they begin their sexual ritual almost immediately. Scientists said they hoped this measure proves more successful than the liberal-conservative cross-breeding they tried last year which resulted in Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders being ferociously mauled and torn apart by Kansas Republican Lynn Jenkins. A Colorado man reminisced Monday about a simpler time when he only masturbated to still images on the internet. 36 year Timothy Barchuk who now says he requires multiple streaming hardcore videos just to get excited, willfully reflected on the days of waiting for slowly loading images of naked women to appear. Look at this picture of Phoebe Cates. Sure, you can pull it up in two seconds now. Back in the old days you'd have to wait for it to materialize on your screen pixel by pixel. It's not about her tits, which are nice, but it's about waiting for them. Nowadays you can pull up eight different videos of anal sex at once. Who cares! In local news, the person who will one day become the warlord ruler of what was once Nebraska is born in an Omaha hospital. And in other news, a man and a woman get drunk and blow $30,000 in one night. A lonely college student calls up his mom to talk about Harold and Kumar. And another dead body is tossed on a heap somewhere. This week's episode of The Onion Week in Review was guest-edited by breakout NBA sensation Jeremy Lin. For more visit theonion.com/newsbeat.