Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

Apple Fans Chopping Off Hands In Anticipation Of New iHand

First adopters are already cutting off their limbs at the wrists in preparation for the release of the latest must-have Apple gadget, the sleek new iHand. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC.

Getting To Know The Trump Family

With Donald Trump in the White House, many wonder what the new first family will be like. The Onion introduces you to the members of Trump’s family:

White House Staff Reminded To Place Lids Firmly On Trash Cans After Steve Bannon Gets Into Garbage Again

WASHINGTON—Following a series of incidents that left food and used paper products scattered throughout the West Wing, White House staff were reminded Friday to place lids firmly on all trash cans after President Trump’s senior advisor, Steve Bannon, got into the garbage again.

How Does Mike Pence Spend His Day?

Trump Claims Waterboarding Doesn’t Come Close To The Excruciating Torment He Experiences At Every Moment

WASHINGTON—Dismissing concerns that the controversial interrogation method constituted torture, President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that waterboarding does not even come close to the excruciating torment he himself experiences at every waking moment.

Collection Agency Holding Nation As Collateral Until Trump Pays Off Business Debts

NEW YORK—In response to his repeated failure to reimburse creditors for hundreds of millions of dollars in loans, sources confirmed Thursday that a collection agency is holding the nation as collateral until President Donald Trump pays off his business debts.

Lindsey Graham Cowers Behind Tree Trunk As Trump’s Hunting Dogs Close In

GREENVILLE, SC—After 36 hours on the run through the woodlands of South Carolina, a bloodied and exhausted Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) reportedly cowered behind the trunk of a willow tree Wednesday as President Donald Trump’s vicious hunting dogs closed in on him.

How Will Immigration Change Under Trump?

President Donald Trump repeatedly promised on the campaign trail to toughen up U.S. immigration policy through stricter controls and enforcement. Here is how immigration will change under Trump.

5 Things To Know About Sean Spicer

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Trump Deploys National Guard To Press Conference For Standing Ovation

WASHINGTON—Activating the reserve military forces to assist in the urgent mission, President Donald Trump reportedly deployed the National Guard to a press conference Tuesday in order to provide him with a standing ovation.

5 Things To Know About Kellyanne Conway

Temp Excited To Begin First Day As Secretary Of Agriculture

WASHINGTON—Saying his new role seemed “way more interesting” than his usual menial office gigs, temp worker Jon Barder told reporters Monday that he was really looking forward to starting his first day as secretary of agriculture.

What Qualities Is Trump Looking For In A Supreme Court Nominee?

Obama Fills Out Lukewarm Glassdoor Review After Exiting Presidency

WASHINGTON—Noting aspects of the job he enjoyed as well as offering what he hoped would be helpful criticism, Barack Obama reportedly filled out a lukewarm review of the presidency on the employer review website Glassdoor a few days after exiting the position last Friday.

You Would Do The Same Thing If An Old Witch Had Your Father’s Soul Trapped In A Lantern

Listen, I completely understand why everyone is furious with me. You don’t think that I know there are disgusting, reprehensible, dangerous things coming out of my mouth at all times? That my vile, indefensible words seek only to shelter the nation’s newly installed administration from the slightest shred of accountability?

Melania Trump’s Goals As First Lady

Mike Pence Disappointed In The 200,000 Husbands And Fathers Who Permitted Women To Attend March

WASHINGTON—Admonishing those responsible for failing to uphold their moral duties, Vice President Mike Pence expressed disappointment Saturday in the 200,000 husbands and fathers who had allowed the women and girls in their charge to attend the Women’s March on Washington.

Light Playing Beautifully Off Eric Trump’s Gums At Inaugural Ball

Watching Thousands March In His Honor Unlocks Deeper, Darker Corner Of Trump’s Psyche

WASHINGTON—Activating a set of intense desires and personal drives that had until that moment remained dormant, the experience of seeing thousands of people marching in his honor during Friday’s inaugural parade reportedly unlocked a deeper, darker corner of President Donald Trump’s psyche than had previously been known to exist.

Highlights Of President Trump’s Inauguration

Obama Leaves Post-It On Counter With Quick Note Explaining How To Use Extralegal Surveillance Apparatus

WASHINGTON—Jotting down the instructions so the incoming commander-in-chief would be able to quickly and easily access the personal information of the American populace without any hassle, outgoing President Barack Obama left a Post-it note on the White House kitchen counter Friday explaining how to use the government’s extralegal surveillance apparatus, sources confirmed.

Biden Making Plans To Go Completely Legit After Vice Presidency

WASHINGTON—Saying he needed to turn his life around before “ending up in deep shit,” outgoing Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly hatching plans Friday to go completely legit now that his term in office has concluded.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Bored Barron Trump Counts Confederate Flags In Inauguration Crowd To Pass Time

‘I Promise To Work Tirelessly To Achieve My Campaign’s Goals,’ Threatens Trump In Terrifying Address

WASHINGTON—Leaving the nation in an uneasy state of dread as he spoke from the Capitol steps, incoming President Donald Trump reportedly delivered a disturbing inaugural address Friday in which he repeatedly threatened to work hard to implement his campaign promises.

Justice Roberts Stops In Middle Of Oath Of Office To Remind Audience This Just His Job

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the task was simply one of many professional responsibilities he is required to perform, Chief Justice John Roberts reportedly stopped partway through administering the presidential oath of office Friday, turned to face those gathered on the National Mall, and reminded them this was just part of his job.

Trump Calms Nerves Before Inaugural Address By Reminding Himself He’s The Only Person Who Actually Exists

WASHINGTON—Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before making his way to the lectern, President Donald Trump reportedly calmed his nerves before his inaugural address Friday by reminding himself that he is the only person who actually exists.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

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