adBlockCheck

Personal Trainer Making Area Man Put On Humiliating Little Show For Entire Gym

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Personal Trainer Making Area Man Put On Humiliating Little Show For Entire Gym

BOSTON—According to sources at the Boston Sports Club on Newbury Street, a personal trainer at the exercise facility is currently forcing a local man to put on an embarrassing acrobatic spectacle for the entire gym.

The unidentified man, who witnesses said appears to be in his early 30s, is reportedly being paraded around every section of the fitness establishment like a trained circus animal, with his ringmaster making him jog up and down stairs, perform lunges across the entire floor with his hands firmly on his hips, and run in place while touching his knees to the trainer’s outstretched hands.

Onlookers confirmed the personal trainer doesn’t seem to care that this sad little pantomime is making the sweat-drenched man look absolutely ridiculous.

“Jesus, just look at the poor guy,” said gym member Ron Porcelli, 28, who watched as the man’s legs were held up while he lay on his back and repeatedly reached toward his toes like a seal coming up for raw herring at SeaWorld. “He just had to sit on the floor and hold a medicine ball at arm’s length, spinning from side to side over and over again in front of a room full of total strangers.”

“It’s really hard to watch,” Porcelli continued as the man was told to remain on the floor and cycle his legs in midair as though he were performing some sort of pitiful ballet routine. “But what is he supposed to do? Tell the personal trainer, ‘No, I won’t participate in your demoralizing fitness production?’ That would just embarrass him more.”

Sources confirmed the whole pathetic song and dance began when the man was forced to bend over and attempt to touch his toes in full view of approximately 20 men and women running on treadmills. The miserable pageant continued as the man was made to wave both arms in giant circles for a full 30 seconds before having to stand on one leg while holding his other foot behind him—a position that required him to hop around like a buffoon just to maintain his balance.

Many onlookers said they were unable to continue watching the cavalcade of degrading exercises after seeing only a few seconds of the man ascend and descend a makeshift stepladder like some sort of show pony.

However, others acknowledged that as each act of the performance becomes more and more demeaning, they can’t help but stare at the hapless man.

“I wish I could turn away, but it’s actually kind of mesmerizing,” said 37-year-old marketing executive Jennifer Halder, admitting that she looks up from her stationary bike every time the man frantically shuffles sideways past the spinning room as his trainer shouts, “Push that butt out!” “I know it’s horrible, but I’m sickly entertained by all of this. I honestly can’t wait to see what bizarre little drill he’s going to have to do next.”

Witnesses unanimously agreed that while the entire heartbreaking one-man show has been completely and utterly mortifying, the most devastating moment came when the trainer forced the man to get down on his hands and knees like a dog and slowly extend each leg straight behind him and back again 20 times in a row.

“Every time I look over there he’s doing something more humiliating than before,” said graphic designer Luke Brady, 25, cringing as the man moved into a new little number that involved throwing a medicine ball high above his head and then catching it as if it were some sort of magic trick. “I mean, are you seeing this? I feel embarrassed just watching it.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, he’s skipping up and down the length of the gym,” added Brady, shaking his head and walking back to his elliptical machine. “Poor bastard.”

At press time, the thoroughly belittling production paused for a brief intermission during which the man took a water break and his trainer set up some cones.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close