This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.
ARIES: Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday’s biological-disease outbreak.
ARIES: This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
ARIES: You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn’t surprising considering the cost of a proper education these days.
ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
SANDUSKY, OH—Immediately standing up from his seat and striding quickly past other visitors as soon as the snack was over, Cedar Point amusement park patron Paul Matazaro reportedly raced back to the end of the line for another funnel cake Thursday.
WASHINGTON—In recognition of the 1981 live album’s contribution to the metal pioneers’ legacy, the Library of Congress announced Tuesday that No Sleep ’Til Hammersmith had been added to the National Motörhead Registry.
ARIES: The stars don’t understand how you can sleep at night after everything that you’ve done, though they’re mostly just referring to all the napping.
ARIES: While you may feel the urge to take everything on yourself, it’s best to slow down and leave the majority of the work to a professionally licensed coroner.
CHANHASSEN, MN—Ending rampant speculation regarding the extent of the late musician’s catalogue of unreleased recordings, the executors of Prince’s estate announced Monday that the performer’s famed vault in his Paisley Park residence sadly contains 37,000 hours of Billy Joel covers.
NEW YORK—Following on the heels of the surprise release of her new album, Lemonade, over the weekend, Beyoncé unexpectedly debuted a brand-new song Monday about how purchasing a subscription to the streaming music service Tidal is the most empowering action a woman can take, sources confirmed.
OCALA, FL—Speaking somberly while staring off into the distance, local resident Mike Budd, a man who regularly wears tinted, wraparound Oakley sunglasses upside down on the back of his head, told reporters Monday that he is still recovering from the 2013 death of actor Paul Walker.
WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were unable to convey the full extent of their gratitude that the plot of the hit HBO series had finally surpassed the events of the novels, citizens across the country expressed immense relief Sunday that all the insufferable little Game Of Thrones fans would no longer be able to lord the books over everyone else just trying to enjoy the show.
FREMONT, CA—In an effort to refresh his memory ahead of the upcoming season of the popular fantasy series, local Game Of Thrones fan Bryan Parker reportedly rewatched past episodes of the show this week to remind himself of what all the characters’ breasts look like.
LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
COATESVILLE, PA—Calling his bowing and candle-work “sloppy at best,” parishioners at Holy Family Church told reporters yesterday that new altar boy Christopher Mains, 11, was clearly not ready for the spotlight of the 10 a.m. Sunday Mass.
