Poor Bastard Who Just Started Watching 'Lost' In For World Of Disappointment

In This Section

Vol 48 Issue 46

Sunday, November 18

Smelly Randall will be in Roosevelt Park yelling at pigeons from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., after which he’ll hold a brief Q&A.

Cool New Lakers Coach Doesn't Make Team Play Defense

LOS ANGELES—The mood in the Los Angeles Lakers’ locker room was upbeat this morning as players were reportedly enthusiastic about new head coach Mike D’Antoni’s policy of never forcing them to play any defense whatsoever.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Small Business

Poor Bastard Who Just Started Watching 'Lost' In For World Of Disappointment

MEDFORD, OR—Local man Adam Gould, 24, who recently began watching ABC’s science-fiction drama series Lost on DVD, is in for a whole world of disappointment, sources close to the unsuspecting schmuck confirmed Wednesday. “This show is amazing,” said Gould, who is currently working his way through the last few decent episodes of season one with no fucking idea how hard this show is about to let him down. “I’m so excited to see how they start tying all the threads together, answering the big questions. Like why is everyone on the island healing so fast, and does it have anything to do with the smoke monster? It’s all going to end with a bang, that’s for sure.” At press time, a heartbreakingly enthusiastic Gould was reportedly working on an elaborate theory about why there was a polar bear on the island.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More