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Poor Bastard Who Just Started Watching 'Lost' In For World Of Disappointment

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Poor Bastard Who Just Started Watching 'Lost' In For World Of Disappointment

MEDFORD, OR—Local man Adam Gould, 24, who recently began watching ABC’s science-fiction drama series Lost on DVD, is in for a whole world of disappointment, sources close to the unsuspecting schmuck confirmed Wednesday. “This show is amazing,” said Gould, who is currently working his way through the last few decent episodes of season one with no fucking idea how hard this show is about to let him down. “I’m so excited to see how they start tying all the threads together, answering the big questions. Like why is everyone on the island healing so fast, and does it have anything to do with the smoke monster? It’s all going to end with a bang, that’s for sure.” At press time, a heartbreakingly enthusiastic Gould was reportedly working on an elaborate theory about why there was a polar bear on the island.

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