adBlockCheck

Potential School Shooter Gunned Down By Popular Jock

Top Headlines

Local

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning

CHICAGO—Calmly brushing off the accident that would have normally left him incensed, local man Alex Perkins, 36, told reporters Tuesday that, all things considered, the fresh coffee stain on his shirt is not as big a deal this morning.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
Potential School Shooter Gunned Down By Popular Jock
Potential School Shooter Gunned Down By Popular Jock
Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery
Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery
Students Watch In Sympathy As Teacher’s Humongous Ass Erases Part Of Whiteboard
Students Watch In Sympathy As Teacher’s Humongous Ass Erases Part Of Whiteboard
Man Ashamed Of Himself After Cashier Reads Food Order Back To Him
Man Ashamed Of Himself After Cashier Reads Food Order Back To Him
Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent
Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent
Man Happy To Set Up Job Interview For Fraternity Brother He Once Forced To Drink Own Piss
Man Happy To Set Up Job Interview For Fraternity Brother He Once Forced To Drink Own Piss
Man Humiliated By Wi-Fi’s Poor Behavior In Front Of Guests
Man Humiliated By Wi-Fi’s Poor Behavior In Front Of Guests
Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster
Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster
Passersby Stop To Stare At Man Leading Sad Life Through Open Apartment Window
Passersby Stop To Stare At Man Leading Sad Life Through Open Apartment Window
Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office
Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office
Breeze Plays Kick-Ass Riff On Wind Chimes
Breeze Plays Kick-Ass Riff On Wind Chimes
Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life
Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life
Nothing Doing Down Louisiana Way, Fly-Swattin’ Sources Report
Nothing Doing Down Louisiana Way, Fly-Swattin’ Sources Report
New Altar Boy Clearly Not Ready For Spotlight Of 10 A.M. Sunday Mass
New Altar Boy Clearly Not Ready For Spotlight Of 10 A.M. Sunday Mass
Elderly Man Who’s Outlived Wife By 8 Years Must Not Have Loved Her Very Much
Elderly Man Who’s Outlived Wife By 8 Years Must Not Have Loved Her Very Much
Subway Manager Disgusted By Sight Of Cold Cut Combo Devouring Large Rat
Subway Manager Disgusted By Sight Of Cold Cut Combo Devouring Large Rat
Depleted Bruegger’s Bagels Gift Card Living Out Quiet Retirement In Wallet’s Fourth Row
Depleted Bruegger’s Bagels Gift Card Living Out Quiet Retirement In Wallet’s Fourth Row
Mom Apologizing For Going Through Menopause
Mom Apologizing For Going Through Menopause
Man Prowling At Airport Gate Ready To Pounce Like Jungle Cat At First Sign Of Boarding
Man Prowling At Airport Gate Ready To Pounce Like Jungle Cat At First Sign Of Boarding
Failure To Get Into Private College To Be Most Financially Responsible Act Of 17-Year-Old’s Life
Failure To Get Into Private College To Be Most Financially Responsible Act Of 17-Year-Old’s Life
Entire Shopping Mall Quietly Dreading Whatever Empty Stage Set Up For
Entire Shopping Mall Quietly Dreading Whatever Empty Stage Set Up For
Mom Thinks You’d Enjoy Restaurant She Can’t Remember Name Of Right Now
Mom Thinks You’d Enjoy Restaurant She Can’t Remember Name Of Right Now
Man Worried Harassing Messages He Sending On Dating App Getting Lost Among Abuse From Other Guys
Man Worried Harassing Messages He Sending On Dating App Getting Lost Among Abuse From Other Guys
Toddler Figures It About Time To Shove Whole Plastic Easter Egg Into Mouth
Toddler Figures It About Time To Shove Whole Plastic Easter Egg Into Mouth
Area Man Having One Of His Little Bursts Of Energy Where He Tries To Write A Song
Area Man Having One Of His Little Bursts Of Energy Where He Tries To Write A Song
Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning
Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning
Mom Sits Down For Dinner 3 Months After Rest Of Family Finishes Meal
Mom Sits Down For Dinner 3 Months After Rest Of Family Finishes Meal
Pathetic Excuse For Man Paid Same Wage As Female Counterpart
Pathetic Excuse For Man Paid Same Wage As Female Counterpart
Toddler Really Yanking On Penis, Report Wincing Sources
Toddler Really Yanking On Penis, Report Wincing Sources
Resourceful Man Able To Cobble Together Bad Mood From Handful Of Minor Annoyances
Resourceful Man Able To Cobble Together Bad Mood From Handful Of Minor Annoyances

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close