President Obama and Rachel Goldstein really hit it off during a group trip to Israel, a man with strong brand loyalty is willing to kill for Mazda, and Macaulay Culkin is hoping some 'Funny or Die' writer comes up with a video idea for him.
Offering one-click companionship for singles who have exhausted all other options, new last-ditch dating website LastShot.com, which launched earlier this week, pairs users with a partner based solely on whether they have open sores anywhere ... Full article.
Apologizing to customers for “any discomfort or searing of the flesh” on their ring fingers, Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands sold at its 900 locations nationwide over the past several years. Full article.
Saying he had witnessed up close the daily hardships endured by a young person impaired by a bland, unremarkable appearance, local doctor Daniel Barrett told reporters Wednesday how growing up with an average-looking brother inspired him to become a cosmetic surgeon. Full article.
Saying that spontaneity is key to spicing up a marriage, local couple Dale and Barbara Patterson told reporters Wednesday they’ve kept their relationship interesting over the years by bickering in a variety of different positions ... Full article.
Citing factors ranging from the dumb, ugly asteroid belt separating the terrestrial planets from the gas giants, to the super-boring and practically empty interstellar medium extending in nearly every direction, new research published Wednesday ... Full article.
Reeling in the wake of sudden, unthinkable tragedy, members of the Talbott family were reportedly left struggling to pick up the pieces Thursday night after an unexpected hard drive crash erased everything they had stored on their digital video recorder.
Calling it the most valuable decision he will ever make, the parents of local 20-year-old Patrick Tobin reportedly advised their son this week to fully devote himself to pursuing an improv comedy education.
Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn’t actually be all that hard. Full article.
The U.S. Government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute, John Kerry says ‘to defeat them, I must become them,’ while putting on a black face mask, and a birthday wish is wasted on trying to bring dad bac...
A prison rights group protests the treatment of supervillains in the nation’s magnetic detainment cubes, a local dad thought he could make it out of a zoo without buying his kids light-up shit, and a pigeon wishes just once it could complete a head ...
States offer millions in tax breaks to any person who says ‘high-tech jobs,’ a child is entertained for five minutes by a toy that will take 1 million years to biodegrade, and God’s will is the only thing keeping an AC unit in a window.
New EPA regulations force power plants to find 30% more loopholes by 2030, President Obama already knows who he’s going to tear apart in his memoir, and parents at a graduation celebrate their child’s last accomplishment.
The only nation where this regularly happens concludes that there’s no way to prevent this, a college rape victim is pretty thrilled about recounting her assault to a faculty committee, and the nation’s depressed individuals march on the Atlan...
Scientists politely remind the world that clean energy technology is ready to go whenever, a new study finds most high school graduates are woefully unprepared for high school, and a bag of flour has a slave auction on its front.
Congress splits into male and female senators to discuss the newest reproductive bill, a man feels guilty about chowing down at the 9/11 museum café, and extravagant new window blinds are inspired by the latest styles from Venice.
A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was 4 eons ago, a brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can’t change who you are, and a bodybuilder’s veins are now outside of his skin.
A new census report reveals the U.S. has over 316 million nobodies, Carlos Santana surprises his wife with a coupon for a free 45-minute guitar solo, and Picasso’s ‘Guernica’ triples in value after being autographed by the 1994 New York ...
Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses.
Ukrainian-Russian tensions divide U.S. citizens along ignorant and apathetic lines, the national endowment for the arts provides 80 million dollars for discouraging talentless hacks, and a dog is held against its will inside a Skype window.
Expressing a deeply held political opinion is referred to as a ‘gaffe,’ the Reverend Al Sharpton takes time off from his holy duties to make a TV appearance, and the Empire State Building reopens its spire to visitors.
Delighted health insurance executives gather in an outdoor coliseum to watch a patient battle cancer, Anderson Cooper decides to keep his recent gay conversion therapy private, and a self-conscious flasher is fully clothed under his trench coat.
An Olympian has always dreamed of one day having fun with friends, the nation’s girlfriends admit that absolutely everything’s riding on Valentines Day, and a keyboard’s second row is a veritable who’s who of special punctuation ch...