COLUMBUS, OH—In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.
The accommodations, available for as low as $59 per night, are said to have been carefully crafted to “flawlessly complement the suicide experience in every way imaginable.”
“We’re thrilled to announce the launch of these specialized suites, perfect for anyone who has decided that nothing matters anymore and the time has finally come to just end it all,” said Red Roof Inn hospitality director Jeffrey Connelly. “If you’re feeling despondent or just down in the dumps and you want to treat yourself to a quick and relatively painless death, this is the place for you.”
“People have been coming to Red Roof Inn to kill themselves for years, and now we’ve made it easier and more convenient than ever,” added Connelly.
According to Connelly, Suicidal Suites are situated on the top floor of Red Roof Inn hotels and provide a panoramic view of a mostly empty parking lot and a desolate freeway.
The suite itself reportedly boasts a somber ambiance accented by an all-grey décor and dim fluorescent lighting to “get you in the mood.” The bedroom’s two large casement windows let in virtually no sunlight, open all the way, and are guaranteed, Connelly said, to be “high enough.”
“The thin, paint-chipped walls have been engineered specifically to allow you to easily overhear any conversation, laughter, or sexual activity emanating from adjacent rooms,” said Connelly, adding that smoking is indeed permitted in each suite, should a guest desire one last cigarette before finishing the job once and for all. “The single twin bed comes standard with 400-thread cotton sheets—perfect for hanging on one broken ceiling fan and easily capable of supporting over 450 pounds.”
“Moreover, feel free to watch the mounted 24-inch television with over 150 channels of pure static,” continued Connelly. “Should you want to take one more cold, hard look at yourself in a dirty mirror before mustering up the courage to actually go through with it, just stroll on into the bathroom. And you can’t go wrong with a long soak in the bathtub, which is of course within comfortable reaching distance of a 240-volt radio.”
A stay in the Suicidal Suite reportedly comes with a wide range of hotel amenities ideal for those consumed by severe and debilitating depression, anxiety, or guilt.
Connelly explained that the room service menu has a comprehensive selection of last meals available 24 hours a day, while the mini-bar comes fully stocked with bottles of hard liquor and bargain-priced prescription-pill cocktails made from an assortment of Xanax, OxyContin, and Percocet.
“We guarantee that anyone staying with us will have total, uninterrupted privacy to take his or her own life,” said Connelly, noting that the rooms feature a small wooden desk upon which guests can scribble a goodbye note to their loved ones. “Simply put the red ‘Do Not Disturb’ hanger on the doorknob, and our staff will know not to come in until the next morning, at which time we will clean up any blood or vomit for no additional charge.”
“And if you forget your razor blades at home, simply call down to the front desk and a free set will be delivered to you right away,” Connelly added.
Connelly also confirmed that each in-room safe contains a complimentary handgun already loaded with one bullet.
In an effort to promote the new suites, Red Roof Inn will reportedly offer a summer weeknight special, during which rates will be reduced to $39. Based on early reviews, however, industry sources said the Suicidal Suites are already on course to become a resounding success.
“I’ve only just checked in, but so far the hotel has taken care of everything,” said 34-year-old Dayton, OH resident Matthew Hunne, one of the first guests to stay in one of the suites. “The room has exactly what I need, so I really have no complaints.”
“Sorry,” Hunne added while slowly closing his room door. “I have to go now.”