Remembering 9/11 A Pleasure For Nation Compared To Remembering Past 10 Years

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 36

Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.

House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus

WASHINGTON—Following President Obama’s speech on the state of the U.S. economy Thursday, House Republicans patronizingly approved an additional $400 in added fiscal stimulus and then sarcastically urged the nation to use the money to go fill in a pothole or fix a broken streetlight.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Personal Finance

Remembering 9/11 A Pleasure For Nation Compared To Remembering Past 10 Years

President Obama will earn $300,000 for stimulus purposes by appearing in a series of Japanese commercials, the nation's cable news networks promise not to go overboard with their September 11th coverage, and a shitty zoo is promoting the hell out of its new fruit bat. It's the week of September 5th, 2011.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More