00:00:00.650,00:00:04.080 Madam Speaker, I will now read the text of HR517, 00:00:04.320,00:00:05.660 the First Lady Impunity Act. 00:00:05.940,00:00:08.810 Which would grant immediate and retroactive immunity to any person 00:00:09.100,00:00:13.180 or persons who got extremely drunk and tried to kiss Michelle Obama 00:00:13.330,00:00:15.230 at a recent White House function. 00:00:16.020,00:00:18.890 Section One, The sighting on unusual circumstances 00:00:19.130,00:00:21.720 that may have led to the aforementioned shameful acts . 00:00:21.970,00:00:27.120 Subsection A, the constant offers of white wine to congressmen who rarely drink. 00:00:27.400,00:00:29.710 Especially any that came to the event with an empty stomach, 00:00:29.910,00:00:31.670 but have a severe nut allergy, 00:00:31.860,00:00:34.730 so can't really eat passed hors devours. 00:00:35.480,00:00:40.120 Subsection B, the exceptionally friendly nature of the First Lady's casual banter, 00:00:40.400,00:00:43.690 which could be mistaken for flirting, by someone 00:00:43.930,00:00:46.150 in a compromised mental state. 00:00:46.580,00:00:48.660 Immunity would extend to any and all activities 00:00:48.900,00:00:50.610 leading up to the unfortunate incident. 00:00:50.900,00:00:55.400 Including subsection A, complimenting Michelle Obama's fashion sense 00:00:55.730,00:00:58.000 while touching the sleeve of her dress. 00:00:58.840,00:01:03.520 Subsection B, telling Mrs. Obama that women in power are so sensual. 00:01:04.040,00:01:08.350 Subsection C, surprising the First Lady by sneaking up from behind 00:01:08.540,00:01:10.670 and delicately placing one's fingertips on her hips 00:01:10.910,00:01:13.080 and whispering "Now's our chance." 00:01:13.470,00:01:18.010 Subsection D, calling Mrs. Obama, "A beautiful queen" 00:01:18.250,00:01:20.290 and "so fierce." 00:01:20.670,00:01:25.770 Subsection F, leaning in and attempting to take Michelle Obama in his arms and kiss her. 00:01:25.960,00:01:31.290 And subsection F1, after recognition of the pity and disgust in the First Lady's eyes, 00:01:31.530,00:01:35.380 and attempting to play it off as, like he wasn't even trying to kiss her, 00:01:35.570,00:01:37.790 you just stumble forwards accidentally. 00:01:39.100,00:01:46.760 STILL AHEAD: FEMA ALLOCATES $200 MILLION TO DESIGN BIGGER SANDBAGS.