Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They’re Bitable

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Vol 49 Issue 45

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 10 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 10 games: Redskins at Vikings OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Redskins – If the Redskins were to lose this game 34-27, i...

FDA To Ban All Trans Fats

The FDA proposed new guidelines that would ban nearly all artificial trans fats, which are found in products such as frosting, margarine, microwave popcorn, and frozen pizza, a measure that they say could prevent 20,000 heart attacks a year.

Mobile Quarterback Era Not A Thing

BRISTOL, CT—Refuting numerous claims recently asserted in the world of football analysis, sources confirmed Friday that the so-called mobile quarterback era—a trend in the NFL in which the league supposedly is being dominated by aggressive, ru...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They’re Bitable

WASHINGTON—A new report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center has found that Americans lead the world in their ability to take very large sandwiches into their hands and crush them until they are small enough to fit inside the human mouth. “When it comes to manually compressing a towering heap of meat, cheese, and bread into manageable bites, U.S. residents are far more adept than their peers in other nations,” said lead researcher Hugh Newell, adding that while most Americans can apply an impressive 400 pounds of pressure per square inch to a hero or roll, their skill in simultaneously maintaining the sandwich’s structural integrity is what ultimately sets them apart. “Few people outside the United States are capable of wrapping their mouths around a triple-decker turkey club while sealing off the sides and back of the sandwich with a grip so powerful it completely eliminates the loss of any wayward pickles or tomatoes. You put a Czech or a Cambodian in that situation and the whole thing just falls apart in their hands.” Researchers have announced plans to conduct a follow-up study on Americans’ ability to also cram a lengthwise-folded slice of pizza in there while they’re still chewing the sandwich.

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