Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They’re Bitable

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Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They’re Bitable

WASHINGTON—A new report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center has found that Americans lead the world in their ability to take very large sandwiches into their hands and crush them until they are small enough to fit inside the human mouth. “When it comes to manually compressing a towering heap of meat, cheese, and bread into manageable bites, U.S. residents are far more adept than their peers in other nations,” said lead researcher Hugh Newell, adding that while most Americans can apply an impressive 400 pounds of pressure per square inch to a hero or roll, their skill in simultaneously maintaining the sandwich’s structural integrity is what ultimately sets them apart. “Few people outside the United States are capable of wrapping their mouths around a triple-decker turkey club while sealing off the sides and back of the sandwich with a grip so powerful it completely eliminates the loss of any wayward pickles or tomatoes. You put a Czech or a Cambodian in that situation and the whole thing just falls apart in their hands.” Researchers have announced plans to conduct a follow-up study on Americans’ ability to also cram a lengthwise-folded slice of pizza in there while they’re still chewing the sandwich.