Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob

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Vol 50 Issue 08

Obese Americans Get Less Than 4 Hours Of Exercise Per Year

According to a new study from researchers at the University of Alabama, the average obese American gets fewer than 4 hours of “vigorous exercise” per year, with obese men averaging 3.6 hours of vigorous exercise per year and obese women gettin...
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RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob

LAWRENCE, KS—Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn’t actually be all that hard. “Given that the place is open 24 hours and there’s only ever one guy working behind the counter at night, all you’d have to do is hang around until there are no other customers in there and then sharply tell the cashier you have a gun, and you could probably take that place for all the money in its till without any problem at all,” read the 40-page report, which noted that, even if the cashier triggered a silent alarm, the nearest police station is on the other side of town and it’s not like you couldn’t just run out the door at the first sound of sirens anyway. “Really, if you just left your car running, waved a knife around a little bit, and held open a bag for the cashier to stuff money into, you could be in and out of there in 45 seconds, easy. Nothing really stopping you from grabbing a dozen cartons of cigarettes and a roll of scratch-off tickets on the way out either.” The report went on to speculate that if Carl was working the graveyard shift, a prospective thief could probably just drag the whole ATM into a waiting pickup truck, no problem.

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