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    Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked

    2:37

    Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos.

    Recent News
    In The Know
    All Videos
    • Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

      1:18
      Calling it the most effective method for reaching one’s full earning potential, a report issued Thursday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that violently slamming one’s supervisor against a wall and shouting, “Cash!
    • Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

      1:03

      In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats. Full article.

    • ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

      1:10

      The infallible Creator of the universe sits down for an intimate eye-opening interview.

    • Congressman Embroiled In Sexting Scandal Explains: 'I Wanted That Girl To See My Penis'

      2:11

      David Connors sits down for an exclusive interview with Congressman Bart Handford, who is finally opening up about the nude photo scandal that has threatened his career.

    • Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend

      1:28

      The sandwich chain says it is 'deeply sorry' if customers mistakenly believed that eating an entire foot of food could somehow be considered healthy.

    • Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

      1:49

      Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

    • CEO Says Office Shooting Could Not Have Come At A Worse Time For Company

      2:07

      A tragic scene in Virginia as a gunman opened fire at the offices of SlashForward Marketing. Managers described the timing of the shooting as “incredibly inopportune” as the company is already struggling to meet its Q3 sales goals.

    • Housefly Drops Everything To Go Stand On Watermelon Slice

      2:25

      An unpopular police officer thinks about committing a racially motivated offense for a little support, a middle-aged man is having the best snacks of his life, and a housefly drops everything to go stand on a watermelon slice.

    • Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time

      1:11

      In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time. Full article.

    • Owner's Box: Screws, Splintered Bones, Mangled Joints That Make Up Rob Gronkowski Poised For Huge Fantasy Year

      1:18

      OSN’s fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, says owners should take a risk on the bolted-together collection of screws and tendons.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Dirty Dancing'

      3:51

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Dirty Dancing' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup

      1:40

      Touting it as their most stylish and advanced beauty product to date, officials from global cosmetics brand Maybelline unveiled Thursday the Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask, a flexible facial covering that can be worn over the head in lieu of makeup. Full article.

    • New Kindle Helps Readers Show Off By Shouting Title Of Book Loudly And Repeatedly

      2:03

      Amazon says the Kindle Flare’s repetitive shouting will appeal to fans of print, who miss the ability to display a book’s cover to strangers.

    • Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

      1:44

      According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.

    • Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals

      2:02

      The super-producer was at Comic-Con this week to show off new clips of the pulse-pounding, penis-heavy Turtle action.

    • Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

      1:44

      According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.

    • The Onion Reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes'

      3:20

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Beard Husks On Sidewalk Indicate Start Of Hipster Molting Season

      1:33

      If you hear the telltale crunch of a hipster’s discarded beard under your feet, don’t worry: experts say the hirsute young men are just making room to grow even larger, more ironic beards.

    • Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores

      2:02

       Offering one-click companionship for singles who have exhausted all other options, new last-ditch dating website LastShot.com, which launched earlier this week, pairs users with a partner based solely on whether they have open sores anywhere ... Full article.

    • Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts

      1:18

      According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts were once again a breeze for the nation’s Blakes. Full article.

    • More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks

      2:26

      Wellness experts say curling up in a ball on the floor is the healthiest way to deal with the non-stop agony of the workday.

    • New Facebook Feature Scans Profile To Pinpoint Exactly When Things Went Wrong

      2:37

      The new LifePoint function distills each user's mistakes into one easy-to-find moment when their lives irrevocably took a turn for the worse.

    • Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine

      1:58

      Seeking a more humane method of carrying out capital punishment, Ohio’s new machine yanks inmates heads from their bodies using painless, powerful robotic claws.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Saving Private Ryan'

      3:32

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Saving Private Ryan' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Survey: Most Common Deathbed Regret Never Spraying Fire Extinguisher

      1:57

      According to a survey of hospice patients released Thursday by the Princeton Medical Institute, the most common regret of the dying is never having sprayed a fire extinguisher. Full article.

    • The Onion's Tips For Finding An Apartment

      1:00

      Finding an apartment that fits your style and budget can be an overwhelming process. Here are The Onion's tips for finding an apartment.

    • Should Obama Blow The Silver Horn The Founding Fathers Left In Case The Country Ever Needed Them?

      2:37
      The Founding Fathers promised to return upon hearing the enchanted horn, but warned it should only be used in times of dire need.
    • In The Know: Coal Lobby Warns Wind Farms May Blow Earth Off Orbit

      2:39

      Panelists debate whether the U.S. is doing enough to heed the warnings of coal industry scientists who say turbines could blow the Earth right into the sun.

    • Report: Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds

      2:50

      In The Know panelists discuss a new congressional report linking all of America's problems to the fact that our entire nation was built on top of Native American graves.

    • In The Know: Should The Nation's Unemployed Be Buying New Apple Computers?

      3:04

      Panelists discuss how owning a top-of-the-line MacBook or an iPad 2 is actually essential to finding a new job.

    • In The Know: Is Pundit Duncan Birch A Worthless Idiot?

      2:41

      Panelists debate whether Duncan Birch is making a complete fool of himself on national television.

    • AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans

      2:37

      In The Know panelists discuss how Alcoholics Anonymous wreaks havoc on the friendships of Americans by turning the 'life of the party' into a sanctimonious bore.

    • Has Obama Failed To Reduce Hostility Toward Obnoxious Americans Abroad?

      1:51

      In The Know panelists discuss Obama's failure to repair Americans' Bush-era reputation overseas as drunken belligerent assholes vomiting on ancient treasures.

    • In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit?

      2:09

      Panelists discuss the many ways in which our educational system caters to students who try, care, are awake.

    • Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate

      2:32

      In The Know panelists discuss yesterday's truck accident, and why nothing was done to prevent the vehicle from accidentally spiraling out of control and killing rafters in canyon below.

    • Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?

      2:45

      A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in their teenagers' bedrooms.

    • In The Know: Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?

      2:09

      In The Know panelists debate how a high quality product like the EZ-Go Juicer could be available at such a low, low price.

    • How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?

      2:09

      Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes.

    • Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence

      2:33

      Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means.

    • New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion

      2:02

      In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.

    • Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked

      2:37

      Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos.

    • Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting

      2:25

      In The Know panelists call Biden's decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting 'disgusting' and 'completely inappropriate.'

    • Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans

      2:17

      Panelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of resentment towards relatives.

    • Report: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor

      2:34

      As Americans rush to join the Nouveau Poor, panelists debate whether the newly poor are capable of integrating with long established poor families from old poverty roots.

    • Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

      2:31

      In The Know panelists discuss the closing of the controversial detainee labyrinth and debate whether the Minotaur's sternum-stomping-by-hooves interrogation technique yielded valuable intelligence.

    • New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time

      3:01
      In The Know's new live internet poll feature revolutionizes how pundits shamelessly cater to what viewers want to hear.
    • Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes

      2:17

      Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US.

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