adBlockCheck

Report: Peanut Butter Contains Traces Of Rat Feces But Life's Weird Like That Sometimes

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Peanut Butter Contains Traces Of Rat Feces But Life's Weird Like That Sometimes

WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the Food and Drug Administration stated that the majority of peanut butter sold in the United States contains trace amounts of rat feces, but that, hey, life can be weird like that sometimes and you’ve just got to take it as it comes. “Laboratory testing shows that most commercially available peanut butter includes measurable quantities of rat excrement, with some popular brands exhibiting alarmingly high concentrations, but, you know, that’s kind of how things work out from time to time, and hey, you just gotta roll with the punches, you know?” read the report in part, which went on to explain that the agency had declined to issue a recall of the products because, well, sometimes life throws you a curveball and there’s nothing else to do but take a swing. “While fecal matter from rats and other vermin frequently bears infectious agents ranging from mild bacterial strains to potentially fatal hantavirus pathogens, isn’t that just like life, in a way? I mean, if you think about it, we’re all stuck on this crazy blue rock together, and deadly volumes of rat feces or no, you just gotta enjoy the ride.” The FDA’s findings follow on the heels of a report last year indicating that the popular cholesterol-lowering drug Zocor causes profuse and irremediable gastrointestinal bleeding in nearly one-third of patients and yet, don’t you just have to love the fact that every day is different and life is an adventure?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close