Report: Peanut Butter Contains Traces Of Rat Feces But Life's Weird Like That Sometimes

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Vol 49 Issue 06

Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one: Make his favorite home-cooked meal and leave a trail of it leading to the bed. If you forgot to buy her flowers, ...

Song Crafted In The Deepest Pit Of Hell Wins Big At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—A song forged by the Ruler of Darkness himself in the blackest bowels of the accursed underworld proved to be the big winner at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards Sunday, taking home an impressive six of the music industry’s top honors, including Song of the Year and Best Pop Solo Performance.

SeaWorld Unveils New 20 Whales Stuffed In Pool Show

A PR firm advises the United States to distance itself from Alabama, the FDA announces peanut butter contains traces of rat feces but life's weird like that sometimes, and a doomed rabbit teaches an 8-year-old about responsibility.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Race Relations

Report: Peanut Butter Contains Traces Of Rat Feces But Life's Weird Like That Sometimes

WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the Food and Drug Administration stated that the majority of peanut butter sold in the United States contains trace amounts of rat feces, but that, hey, life can be weird like that sometimes and you’ve just got to take it as it comes. “Laboratory testing shows that most commercially available peanut butter includes measurable quantities of rat excrement, with some popular brands exhibiting alarmingly high concentrations, but, you know, that’s kind of how things work out from time to time, and hey, you just gotta roll with the punches, you know?” read the report in part, which went on to explain that the agency had declined to issue a recall of the products because, well, sometimes life throws you a curveball and there’s nothing else to do but take a swing. “While fecal matter from rats and other vermin frequently bears infectious agents ranging from mild bacterial strains to potentially fatal hantavirus pathogens, isn’t that just like life, in a way? I mean, if you think about it, we’re all stuck on this crazy blue rock together, and deadly volumes of rat feces or no, you just gotta enjoy the ride.” The FDA’s findings follow on the heels of a report last year indicating that the popular cholesterol-lowering drug Zocor causes profuse and irremediable gastrointestinal bleeding in nearly one-third of patients and yet, don’t you just have to love the fact that every day is different and life is an adventure?

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