adBlockCheck

Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

Top Headlines

Recent News

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

WASHINGTON—Calling it the most effective method for reaching one’s full earning potential, a report issued Thursday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that violently slamming one’s supervisor against a wall and shouting, “Cash! I need more cash!” remained the leading tactic for securing a raise. “Our research suggests that employees who have the most success in negotiating a pay raise stride confidently into their supervisor’s office, maintain eye contact as they pin him against a wall by his neck, and demand that he immediately start paying them more cash,” said the report’s lead author, Melanie Harrison, who noted the importance of clearly annunciating, “Give me cash now!” and, “Cash! Cash! Cash!” while slowly tightening one’s grip around their boss’s throat. “We also found that workers who were able to obtain the largest raises threw their supervisor back into his chair and plainly stated that they were not fucking around in the slightest.” Harrison went on to say that taking $100 out of a supervisor’s wallet, standing over his trembling body, and saying, “This is a good start” before tossing the empty billfold in his face usually secured an employee their desired raise on the spot.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close