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    Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion

    1:59

    Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly.

    Recent News
    Onion News Network On IFC
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    • Area Desk Doesn't Mind If People Sit On It Like A Chair Every Once In Awhile

      3:21

      The Royal baby speaks his first words, an unambitious loser with a happy, fulfilling life still lives in his hometown, and a pool owner has a bathing suit that touched his penis you can borrow.

    • Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year

      1:38

      Economists at Harvard University released a new study this week indicating that Americans who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues in public spaces make, on average, $10 million per year.

    • Perfectly Shitty Couch Sitting On Curb

      2:33

      The nation throws its hands up and tells black teens to be careful out there, J.K. Rowling is revealed to be the pseudonym of Newt Gingrich, and the FBI is offering $1 million for any information on cheetahs.

    • FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs

      1:06

      The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact them immediately in return for a one million dollar reward. Full Report.

    • Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

      1:06

      Producers insist that the beloved characters are merely friends and that “gay” doesn’t remotely describe their bizarre underworld of sexual deviance.

    • New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick

      1:54

      Tech Trends looks at the new Samsung Apex, a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks your cock all at the same time.

    • Serious Coworker Puts Headphones On To Focus On Sandwich

      2:52

      Red Roof Inn announces its new Suicidal Suite, the FBI can’t bring themselves to bust a guy torrenting every season of ‘Picket Fences,’ and zoo visitors watch the mating rituals of the ice cream shop staff.

    • Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

      2:03

      In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

    • New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released

      2:28

      A dying kid in Houston is holding on until the Astros develop a player worth meeting, fossilized evidence reveals the Spazosaurus was the largest doofus ever to roam the earth, and a Facebook friend is apparently under the impression that Ron Paul is stil...

    • Autopsy Of A Scene: Paul Feig Points Out How Many Ghosts Are In This Scene From 'The Heat'

      1:34

      Director Paul Feig narrates a clip from his new film 'The Heat,' which he says, like 'Bridesmaids,' is a ghost story at heart.

    • 'I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,' Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting

      1:24

      Upon coming across the same job posting Monday for a full-time position at a local startup company, an estimated 1,400 people reportedly described the opening as “a perfect fit” for their qualifications, saying it was exactly the opportunity t...

    • Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

      1:36

      After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.

    • Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life

      2:23

      McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.

    • Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

      1:05

      The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'The Wizard Of Oz'

      2:37

      The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Ronsenthal examines ‘The Wizard of Oz’ in this week’s Film Standard

    • Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

      1:36

      After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.

    • Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life

      2:23

      McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.

    • Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

      1:05

      The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.

    • Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister

      2:29

      A report confirms that many Iraqis are still holding a petty grudge about the U.S. invasion, an area man is outraged his private information is being collected by someone other than advertisers, and a new study proves it is impossible to lose weight, no o...

    • Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

      1:21

      Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

    • Brendan Fraser: 'I Would Like To Apply For One Kickstarter, Please'

      1:45

      The ‘Mummy’ star joined in on the crowdsourcing trend this week, sending an application and cover letter in to the Kickstarter headquarters.

    • Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One

      2:22

      Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they would have hit the big one, and an Asian guy has a separate group of Asian friends.

    • Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together

      1:58

      Sources at Charley’s Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke version of the 1988 Michael Jackson song “Man In The Mirror,” better get his goddamn act together sometime fucki...

    • 'The Internship' Poised To Be Biggest Comedy Of 2005

      1:51

      Critics say the upcoming Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson film about interning at Google has everything an audience in 2005 could want in a comedy.

    • Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer

      2:30

      The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models,' and the new and improved Google maps lets users launch missiles at any location on the globe.

    • Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic

      1:33

      SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday he is uncertain just how long he has to continue using a photograph of his departed friend as his F...

    • Kourtney Kardashian’s Stunning Bikini Body Washes Up On Shore

      1:24

      The sexy Kardashian wowed beachgoers when her slim post-baby beach bod washed ashore Zuma Beach in Malibu.

    • Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface

      2:19

      The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard, and a woman who cracked three separate iPhone screens is expecting a baby boy this August. It's the week of May 24, 2013.

    • Reporter Investigates Claims He Ruined His Family's Thanksgiving Dinner

      2:54

      Special investigative reporter Gavin Fisher outfits his parents home with hidden cameras to refute claims he ruined the family's Thanksgiving gathering.

    • Wild Fall Break Parties Pose Risks For College Students

      0:40

      The Onion News Network investigates the dangerous tradition of Fall Break parties where college students chug maple syrup and strip down to their long underwear.

    • Black Part Of Town Moves Across Town

      1:50

      Pennington, IL's only African-American family moves to the other side of town, causing residents to reminisce about the "Black part of town."

    • Back Of Library Smells Like Weed

      1:45

      Library patrons in Pennington, IL report that something definitely smells like weed back in the young adult section.

    • This Day In History: Apollo 12 Sent To Moon To Pick Up Trash Left By Apollo 11

      1:29

      On This Day In History, the astronauts of Apollo 12 landed on the moon to collect the pizza boxes and beer cans left behind by the famous Apollo 11 astronauts.

    • Reporter Steps In To Replace Woman's Missing Husband

      3:02

      When the war in Afghanistan leaves a woman without a husband, caring reporter O'Brady Shaw steps in to replace him.

    • Thousands Of Americans Trapped In 'Animal Hoarders' Marathon

      1:17

      Tens of thousands of Americans have found themselves tragically unable to tear themselves away from televisions showing a man who owns 30 chihuahuas.

    • Prevent Identity Theft By Changing Identity Every Three Years

      1:45

      Shelby Cross warns viewers to protect themselves by becoming a completely different person every few years.

    • What Is Your Amateur Porn Telling Employers About You?

      2:01

      The First Responders discuss how to keep the amateur porn you make from affecting your job search.

    • NASA Asks Russians To Stop Filming Porn On International Space Station

      1:42

      In the Daily Briefing, NASA scientists ask the Russians to please stop using the ISS as a personal porn studio and a Taliban attack on U.S. forces has led officials to announce they are 'so glad pretty soon America won't have to deal with this shit anymore'.

    • Country Artist Sings About Real America And Its Meth Addicts

      2:54
      On Today Now!, country singer Heath Williams sings about good old boys who smoke meth until their teeth fall out.  (Aired 11/11/11)
    • Teens Hold Clothing Drive For Classmate Who Dresses Really Ugly

      2:26

      On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy welcome two Sacramento teens who collected clothing for their classmate so she wouldn't have to look like a homeless person.

    • Romney's Numbers Skyrocket After Prostitute Reveals She Paid Him To Sleep With Her

      1:12

      Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's approval rating is way up after a prostitute reveals she paid Romney to sleep with her, not the other way around.

    • Are Wetland Preserves Simply Dead-Body Dumping Grounds?

      2:19

      Shelby Cross continues her crusade against bogs and marshes, which are good for nothing other than hiding bodies.

    • Breaking Story So New Reporter Literally Has No Information

      1:55

      On "Raw Story," O'Brady Shaw Investigates what may have been a shooting at a local mall, or may have been something else altogether.

    • Reporter Goes Undercover In Chinatown By Wearing Silk Robe

      2:17

      Investigative reporter Gavin Fisher investigates the world of Chinese counterfeit goods by donning a long robe and a black wig.

    • Failed Musician Comes Crawling Back To Hometown

      1:55

      Residents of Pennington, IL report that hot shit Jeff Statsky has returned home with his tail between his legs.

    • High Unemployment Rate Linked To One Man With 42,000 Jobs

      1:18

      A recent report finds that one man is selfishly working thousands of jobs while other Americans go without even one.

    • Search Crews Continue To Look For Obviously Dead Hikers

      2:05

      Autistic reporter Michael Falk questions the logic of continuing to look for a group of lost hikers who clearly are no longer alive.

    • Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion

      1:59

      Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly.

    Onion Review

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    Serious Coworker Puts Headphones On To Focus On Sandwich

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    New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released

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    Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

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    Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

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