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    Romney's Terrifying Google Search History Leaked

    2:05

    BREAKING: Analysts are scrambling to determine what leaked searches like "Blood child, blood on the child" and "must the president look at people" could tell us about Mitt Romney.

    Recent News
    War For The White House
    All Videos
    • Area Desk Doesn't Mind If People Sit On It Like A Chair Every Once In Awhile

      3:21

      The Royal baby speaks his first words, an unambitious loser with a happy, fulfilling life still lives in his hometown, and a pool owner has a bathing suit that touched his penis you can borrow.

    • Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year

      1:38

      Economists at Harvard University released a new study this week indicating that Americans who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues in public spaces make, on average, $10 million per year.

    • Perfectly Shitty Couch Sitting On Curb

      2:33

      The nation throws its hands up and tells black teens to be careful out there, J.K. Rowling is revealed to be the pseudonym of Newt Gingrich, and the FBI is offering $1 million for any information on cheetahs.

    • FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs

      1:06

      The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact them immediately in return for a one million dollar reward. Full Report.

    • Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

      1:06

      Producers insist that the beloved characters are merely friends and that “gay” doesn’t remotely describe their bizarre underworld of sexual deviance.

    • New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick

      1:54

      Tech Trends looks at the new Samsung Apex, a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks your cock all at the same time.

    • Serious Coworker Puts Headphones On To Focus On Sandwich

      2:52

      Red Roof Inn announces its new Suicidal Suite, the FBI can’t bring themselves to bust a guy torrenting every season of ‘Picket Fences,’ and zoo visitors watch the mating rituals of the ice cream shop staff.

    • Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

      2:03

      In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

    • New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released

      2:28

      A dying kid in Houston is holding on until the Astros develop a player worth meeting, fossilized evidence reveals the Spazosaurus was the largest doofus ever to roam the earth, and a Facebook friend is apparently under the impression that Ron Paul is stil...

    • Autopsy Of A Scene: Paul Feig Points Out How Many Ghosts Are In This Scene From 'The Heat'

      1:34

      Director Paul Feig narrates a clip from his new film 'The Heat,' which he says, like 'Bridesmaids,' is a ghost story at heart.

    • 'I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,' Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting

      1:24

      Upon coming across the same job posting Monday for a full-time position at a local startup company, an estimated 1,400 people reportedly described the opening as “a perfect fit” for their qualifications, saying it was exactly the opportunity t...

    • Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

      1:36

      After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.

    • Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life

      2:23

      McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.

    • Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

      1:05

      The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'The Wizard Of Oz'

      2:37

      The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Ronsenthal examines ‘The Wizard of Oz’ in this week’s Film Standard

    • Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

      1:36

      After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.

    • Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life

      2:23

      McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.

    • Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

      1:05

      The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.

    • Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister

      2:29

      A report confirms that many Iraqis are still holding a petty grudge about the U.S. invasion, an area man is outraged his private information is being collected by someone other than advertisers, and a new study proves it is impossible to lose weight, no o...

    • Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

      1:21

      Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

    • Brendan Fraser: 'I Would Like To Apply For One Kickstarter, Please'

      1:45

      The ‘Mummy’ star joined in on the crowdsourcing trend this week, sending an application and cover letter in to the Kickstarter headquarters.

    • Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One

      2:22

      Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they would have hit the big one, and an Asian guy has a separate group of Asian friends.

    • Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together

      1:58

      Sources at Charley’s Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke version of the 1988 Michael Jackson song “Man In The Mirror,” better get his goddamn act together sometime fucki...

    • 'The Internship' Poised To Be Biggest Comedy Of 2005

      1:51

      Critics say the upcoming Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson film about interning at Google has everything an audience in 2005 could want in a comedy.

    • Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer

      2:30

      The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models,' and the new and improved Google maps lets users launch missiles at any location on the globe.

    • Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic

      1:33

      SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday he is uncertain just how long he has to continue using a photograph of his departed friend as his F...

    • Kourtney Kardashian’s Stunning Bikini Body Washes Up On Shore

      1:24

      The sexy Kardashian wowed beachgoers when her slim post-baby beach bod washed ashore Zuma Beach in Malibu.

    • Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface

      2:19

      The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard, and a woman who cracked three separate iPhone screens is expecting a baby boy this August. It's the week of May 24, 2013.

    • After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016

      2:37

      Sources say the screaming orb might be the only potential candidate that would tap into Republicans' deep-seated, seething fury after this election.

    • Romney Wins, Obama Reelected, Supernova Destroys Earth All Possibilities In A Random Universe

      1:48

      Our polling experts weigh in on the terrifyingly infinite number of possible election outcomes.

    • How To Avoid Unbearable Facebook Bullshit On Election Day

      2:07

      How to avoid all of the miserable status updates, photos, and video posts from your most obnoxious Facebook friends on Election Day.

    • Paul Ryan Spending Final Day Of Campaign Reminding Homeless People They Did This To Themselves

      1:27

      Paul Ryan is spending the final day of the campaign doing what he loves–reminding America's downtrodden that everything bad in their lives is their own fault.

    • America's Roommates Launch 'One Vote Doesn't Matter' Campaign

      2:41

      America's roommates have launched a grassroots campaign to spread the message that one person can't make a difference if you really, really think about it.

    • Nation's Roommates Debut New TV Spot Insisting 'Elections Are Bullshit'

      0:22

      Full Report at 2 p.m. EDT/1 p.m. CDT

    • New High Tech Voting Machine Lets Voters Mutilate Candidate They Oppose

      0:59

      Record turnout is expected at the polls thanks to a groundbreaking new voting booth that lets Americans violently murder the candidate they hate the most.

    • PREVIEW: Take An Exclusive Glimpse At The New Hyper-Violent Voting Booths

      0:06

      New interactive, violent voting machines expected to boost turnout on Election Day. Full report at 2:00 p.m. EDT/1:00 p.m. CDT.

    • 'Please Don't Let Me Die In Here' Begs Voter In Cutting Edge Debate Booth

      2:00

      Americans talk directly to the candidates in the first test of ONN's amazing, 100% safe DemocraKiosk booths.

    • Hot New App From The GOP Modernizes Minority Voter Suppression

      2:22

      No more waiting in long lines just to have your vote thrown away! A new app makes it easier than ever for minorities to be disenfranchised.

    • ONN's Presidential Debate Gives Average Americans Totally Unsupervised Airtime

      1:31

      Voters can't wait to show Obama and Romney the pointless talents that make America great.

    • Romney's Terrifying Google Search History Leaked

      2:05

      BREAKING: Analysts are scrambling to determine what leaked searches like "Blood child, blood on the child" and "must the president look at people" could tell us about Mitt Romney.

    • The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Florida

      3:57

      The Onion profiles key battleground state Florida, known for being a state that can go either way. For instance, in 2000, the state famously voted for Republican George W.

    • The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Ohio

      4:07

      Ohio figures to once again be a key battleground state. The Onion presents its profile of the swing state that sends Republicans and Democrats alike into a state of terror every four years.

    • The Onion Voter's Guide To Mitt Romney

      4:10

      Your pathetic, statistically meaningless vote is more important than ever this year. To help you make the right choice, we present The Onion's guide to GOP candidate Mitt Romney.

    • The Onion Voter's Guide To Barack Obama

      4:22

      Election Day is fast approaching. To help you prepare, here now is The Onion's in-depth voter's guide to Democratic candidate Barack Obama.

    • Introducing The Onion's 2012 Election Coverage

      1:46

      Mandatory Viewing For All Americans

    • Tampa Bay Gay Prostitutes Gearing Up For Flood Of Closeted Republicans

      2:45

      Tampa Bay gay sex workers say they plan to rake in the cash sucking off secretly gay Republican politicians during the Republican National Convention.

    • Obama Starring In New Judd Apatow Comedy To Appeal To Younger Voters

      2:57

      In an attempt to court the youth vote, Obama will star in the full-length Judd Apatow comedy "Commander In Steve" alongside James Franco and Seth Rogan.

    • GOP Trying To Keep Elderly Voting Base Alive Until November

      2:45

      Republicans are reminding seniors to take their blood pressure medication, hoping they won't die before voting on Election Day.

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    Serious Coworker Puts Headphones On To Focus On Sandwich

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    Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

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    Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

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