Scientists Confirm Statues Humans’ Closest Nonliving Relative

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 10

Mark Zuckerberg Calls Obama To Complain About Spying

In an open letter he posted this week, Mark Zuckerberg wrote that he called President Obama to express his concerns about the NSA’s mass surveillance programs, which the Facebook founder considers a huge threat to the future of the internet.

Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Saying they’re trying to tighten their belts where they can and cut back on costly erotica expenses, local couple Christopher and Ellen Landstrom told reporters Friday they have been able to save money by making their own porn a...

Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family

THOMASVILLE, GA—While admitting that he relies on members of the family for food and shelter and is often included in household activities and family photographs, local 6-year-old golden retriever Pepper told reporters Friday that he in no way consi...

Sexual Predator Gets Tenure

Obama spends the afternoon in a garage restoring a classic drone, McDonald’s is now offering bereavement prices, and a sexual predator gets tenure.

Number Of Adults On ADHD Meds Reaches New High

According to a new report, the number of adults taking prescription medications for ADHD rose 50 percent between 2008 and 2012, leading many to question whether doctors are overprescribing the meds.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Sleep

Scientists Confirm Statues Humans’ Closest Nonliving Relative

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Following an exhaustive six-year analysis of numerous inanimate beings, scientists at Oxford University announced Thursday they have conclusively proven that statues are our species’ nearest nonliving relatives. “While it was long believed within the scientific community that plush stuffed monkeys were our most closely related non-evolutionary ancestor, we have since determined this distinction in fact belongs to statues,” said Dr. Richard Hamill, head of the research team that carefully analyzed inorganic samples obtained from marble and bronze statuary as well as their nearby cousins, plaster sculptures. “In some key respects, statues are practically indistinguishable from homo sapiens. Like humans, they stand upright, and while they may be much taller or shorter than us, their limbs and facial features appear in proportions virtually identical to our own. In addition, the use of weaponry and horses by many statues suggests they possess the ability to fashion tools and domesticate animals, indicating a large cultural overlap with us as well.” The findings have reportedly come under intense scrutiny from a rival team of researchers advancing the theory that mannequins, which branched off from statuary in the 15th century, are in fact even more closely related to modern humans.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More