Scientists Confirm Statues Humans’ Closest Nonliving Relative

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Vol 50 Issue 10

Mark Zuckerberg Calls Obama To Complain About Spying

In an open letter he posted this week, Mark Zuckerberg wrote that he called President Obama to express his concerns about the NSA’s mass surveillance programs, which the Facebook founder considers a huge threat to the future of the internet.

Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Saying they’re trying to tighten their belts where they can and cut back on costly erotica expenses, local couple Christopher and Ellen Landstrom told reporters Friday they have been able to save money by making their own porn a...

Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family

THOMASVILLE, GA—While admitting that he relies on members of the family for food and shelter and is often included in household activities and family photographs, local 6-year-old golden retriever Pepper told reporters Friday that he in no way consi...

Sexual Predator Gets Tenure

Obama spends the afternoon in a garage restoring a classic drone, McDonald’s is now offering bereavement prices, and a sexual predator gets tenure.

Number Of Adults On ADHD Meds Reaches New High

According to a new report, the number of adults taking prescription medications for ADHD rose 50 percent between 2008 and 2012, leading many to question whether doctors are overprescribing the meds.
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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Internet

Scientists Confirm Statues Humans’ Closest Nonliving Relative

Following an exhaustive six-year analysis of numerous inanimate beings, scientists at Oxford University announced Thursday they have conclusively proven that statues are our species’ nearest nonliving relatives.

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